by Alexander Jacobson

The terrorist warning level should be either clear or fire-colored depending upon whether you’re wearing a helmet.

Blue jeans should actually be blue

Basement hatches and trap doors should be different colors.

Cross walk signs should return to being not greenish.

Skin should be tan… and Brazilian

Retainers should not be chew-toy colored.

Penn Police Uniforms should choose between being fluorescent yellow and ‘sitting-duck’ colored.

Bling should be platinum, cause if you’re gonna go there, you gotta go all the way.

‘White Gold’ should be ‘Not-gold.’

Guns should be pink, cause if it’s pink it’s harmless.

Another one of the teletubbies should be purple, cause tinky-winky’s been calling and he says his triangle feels awfully lonely.

Chocolate should not be white because white chocolate doesn’t taste like chocolate.

Stop signs should not be invisible while I am driving.

Grass should be green. If it aint broke, don’t fix it.

Santa Claus, Cupid, Victoria’s Secret Models, Clifford and Satan should dress in different colors.

Mountains should be purple and more majestic.

Waves of grain should be amber and wavy.

The fruited plane should be red, white and blue to make the song patriotic.

The sky should not be colored like global warming.

My Pee should probably be yellow… should I see a doctor?

My doctor, not his coat, should be white…. should I be so racist?

Racists should be red, so that when they’re angry no one can tell.

Caution tape should be a different color from bananas… I always mix those up.

Cinnamon jelly beans should be a different color from cherry.

---