by Alexander Jacobson

The fact that the University Provost feels the need to send consoling memos to the “ALL-UNDERGRADS” listserv should be no cause for concern, here’s why.

• Penn is perfectly stable—being tied for 6th is the most stable position we could possibly be in. Hell, the only place we could go is 7th, and 7’s are lucky as shit.
• She sent it through e-mail because it’s cheaper than printing. She’s clearly money-conscious and, as a female President of our University Amy surely knows how to manage the finances from the kitchen. She is clearly qualified to handle our throbbing thriving endowment.
• Aside from the fact that e-mail is probably the fastest way to get through to our Blackberry/I-phone-saturated Whartonites and Communication Majors, had she really considered it an emergency she would have sent her memo through the Penn Emergency Alert System and carrier-(West)-Philadelphian.
• If Amy were truly shaken up, it would have affected her anorexia. Yes, last week she plummeted from 75lbs to 74 and a half, but come on—it was Fall Break. How is she supposed to drink 700 calories in roofied Bankers Club if she’s “eating” half her weight in Genisoy bars?
• If this were an emergency, Amy would be calling for unity. This memo mentions nothing about SAS and SEAS ripping on Wharton for pursuing a professional degree that now prepares them for nothing but amateur panhandling…nor have I seen any requests that Nursing tend to the lacerations covering Whartonites’ ego.
• Although Amy clearly wants the university’s endowment to remain erect large, if she were truly concerned, she wouldn’t be asking us undergrads to top off our tuition with the remainder of that 3.6 Billion… she’d be asking our parents.
• Finally, Amy knows how “to do more with less.” She opened two ABPs in the same building, both providing a tablespoon of soup with a crouton it for just 5 dining dollars. That’s a bang (tee-hee) for my buck if I’ve ever seen it.