by Shai Nir
George Carlin once said that the only three true sports are Baseball, Football, and Basketball. Well, Carlin’s dead now, so fuck him.1 I will decide what is and isn’t a sport, and I will do it not with a scalpel or with a hatchet, but with a chainsaw. A chainsaw named Awesome.2
FOOTBALL Football isn’t a sport. Football is a way of life. Deal with it.3
BASEBALL Baseball is pretty obviously a sport. There’s a lot of running and eventually one team wins. Duh.
GOLF There’s a sad lack of consistency between ball size and field size. In a better world, we’d play Basketball with Tennis balls, Baseball with Volleyballs, and Olympic Swimming with Bowling balls.4 Accordingly, Golf ought to be played with balls about eight feet in diameter. Until that happens, I cannot call it a true sport.
VIDEO GAMES Video games are too a sport. In fact, I’d love nothing more than to see video games taken as seriously by colleges as they are by college students. I want full intermural conferences, gaming scholarships, and cheerleaders. Also, so as to not block the screen, they should be sitting on the gamers’ laps.5 I think everybody wins there.
WAR War can’t be called a sport. War can’t even be called a game. I mean, you pull out the cards in order — there’s no strategy. Whichever player happens to have the winning deck wins the game. This is the only card game where a five year old could beat me. Unacceptable.
OLYMPICS I shudder to call many of these games sports. Some people run a hundred meters. A lady drops in the water. Some guys try to get a ball into a basket. A lot of events happen to fall just bellow the sport threshold. Fortunately fixing them up is pretty easy:
WRESTLING Instead of man against man and woman against woman, wrestling matches should be man or woman against bear. As a concession to ancient Olympic tradition, bears will compete in the nude.
LUGE Luge consists entirely of people lying down on boards. What a waste! As long as they’re up there, they might as well do something. Play a few rounds of chess. Juggle. Wrestle a bear. Anything beats lying down.
FENCING The problem with Fencing is that swordfights in the real world have largely been outmoded by newer technology. If I want to see people try to poke each other to death, I have Facebook. Fencing needs to tech up to keep up. I propose replacing sabre with lightsaber, épée with AK, and foil with chainsaws.6
1Even when he was alive I could beat him up.
2Sometimes Awesome talks to me in the night.
3Note for international readers: replace ‘Football’ with ‘Football’.
4Ping-Pong can stay.
5And feeding them Doritos when necessary.
6Chainsaws named Brad and Madeleine.