The Ten Commandments of Facebook

by Rish Chaudhuri

1. Thou shalt update your status every 5 minutes to let the world know the comings and goings of thy unimportant life

2. 3 quarters of your “friends” shalt be those you never talk to, those you added when you were drunk, or those whom you will haveth a future restraining order against.

3. Thou shalt put a seemingly “deep” quote on thy profile to present to the world a façade of learnedness, when in reality, thou art a fucking dumbass

4. Thou must giveth your photo albums imaginative titles, and such photos must be sufficiently scandalous as to attract the unwanted attention that you desperately crave.

5. Thou must entertain the advances of 43 year old men who wish to virtually bed you from the comfort of their parent’s basement.

6. Thou shalt master meaningless Facebook games, and then proclaim to the world your high score/what a sad little shit you are

7. Thou shalt know all about people before thou actually meet them, and as the peasantry often say in their lower speech, “creep the fuck out of them”

8. Thou shalt maketh your profile picture that is not a picture of thyself in order to appear ironic

9. Thou shalt convince thyself that if thou art cool on Facebook, thou art cool in real life

10. If thou followeth these rules to the best of your ability, thou needs to getteth a life.

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