by Shai Nir

There was a day when last Tuesday’s presidential election was but a promise on the horizon, when every man, woman, and child in America had an exploratory committee bent on gauging just who America wanted as its next president. It seemed the election process would last forever.¹ But before you could say “Jewish Jury Jails Jew for Jesus for Jaywalking” 35,000 times in a row with no mistake, America has voted into office its next head of state. Some people rejoiced at this victory, taking to the streets in gleeful celebration. Other people are racist. But regardless of your choice this Election Day, one question remains: Who do you want to lead this country? Yes, the ballots featured two intelligent, qualified men who would both do their country proud if elected to the oval office.² But democracy is multiple-choice, and the question “What do I want in a leader?” cannot be truly answered in anything less than short answer form.³

And so I ask myself: What do I want in a leader?

• In the face of difficult life-or-death dilemmas, he or she would have to be decisive.⁴
• He or she must be able and ready to handle any crisis, any time: When that dreadful phone call comes at 3 AM, my President would be up and halfway through a game of Civilization IV where the exact crisis was happening virtually.⁵
• He or she would have lead wisely and competently, so he or she would probably be a he.
• He would be a snappy dresser and always accessorize for the job. An American flag pin is too common nowadays; my leader would carry a full-sized American flag.
• He would have rational and well thought-out stances on a variety of Issues.⁶
• He would have a common stuffed animal named after him.
• His charisma stat would be at least 18.
• He would replace the White House bowling alley with a putt-putt golf course.
• He would be able speak five languages fluently.⁷
• And, of course, I could not accept anyone shorter than six feet.

¹ _{And it would have if it wasn’t for that pesky election.}

² _{I guess the Republican ticket wouldn’t have been so bad either.}

³ _{Don’t bother writing a 6-page research paper for this one. I’ll never read all of it.}

⁴ _{But not too decisive.}⁸

⁵ _{Playing as the Americans, of course.}

⁶ _{Abortion being at the top of the list.}⁹

⁷ _{And simultaneously.}

⁸ _Maybe.¹⁰

⁹ _{Did I mention it’s an alphabetical list?}

¹⁰ _{I guess.}