While most girls may agree with me on this, I bet you dudes think that telling you that watching TV shows about crab cakes and light summer salads is better than seeing naked girls is like telling a Mississippi Evangelical Christian that Barack Obama is not a member of the Taliban. You just wont believe it. However, as an avid Food Network viewer, there have been countless instances where after I watch a great show, I feel awesome and temporarily forget that the only person of the opposite sex who has paid any attention to me is the cross-eyed Saxby’s worker who takes my coffee order. And even he plays hard to get. On the other hand, watching porn incessantly reminds you that you have to watch others have fun, because the only company you have is an empty bag of Cheez Doodles and a Valentine’s Day card from your mom. Also, who doesn’t love food, (I’m not talking to you 6 am Pottruckers), so why wouldn’t you love shows about the best thing in the entire world?
So you’re watching the Food Network and the show features a corned beef sandwich that makes you Pavlov’s dogs salivate. You say to yourself, “I want that sandwich more than I want the Bieber fever epidemic to disappear.” Solution: order a delicious sandwich from Koch’s where the corned beef is fresh and you will undoubtedly be satiated. If you watch porn, you most likely say to yourself, “That guy (or girl) is so hot, I wish that could happen to me.” In reality, that probably can’t really happen to you because you are 20 pounds overweight and even mail ordered brides takes a few weeks to get here. It is time to substitute self-pity for satisfaction and to enjoy shows like Boy Meets Grill instead of Buffy the Vampire Layer (vampire porn is soo in these days).
We’ve all had embarrassing moments. Some involving alcohol, some with drugs, and even some with goats. What people seem to forget is that there have been countless embarrassing moments watching porn. Scenario: You’re home for winter break and your friend just told you about the latest erotic porno. You hop in bed, turn on the TV, put away your Pokémon cards, and begin to watch. To your horror, you hear the door open and in walks your mom. The awkwardness that ensues is enough to make the fact that you farted on a Goldman Sachs interview seem totally normal. Rewind, and instead of watching that erotic movie, you turn on 30 Minute Meals with Rachel Ray. Your mom walks in, sees you watching it, and suggests some bonding time. In fact, she loved spending time with you so much that she gives you some extra money. Money to buy drugs. Or a Wawa slushy. Both are acceptable.
Ben Franklin once said, “You should eat to live, not live to eat.” Ok Ben Franklin, so I will also trust Paris Hilton if she says, “Driving on cocaine is bad” (that’s about as profound as she can get). But really, food is delicious and so is watching shows about it, so next time you turn on the TV, you should watch 40$ a Day (if you’re Jewish) instead of naked people bending in ways that we really aren’t capable of doing. Trust me, you will be a lot happier, and your self-esteem won’t be so low that people easily take advantage of you.