What My Essay Really Says

     Examining the societal influences on Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina is a monumental task, especially considering the fact that Sunday Night Football comes on in an hour. When examining this topic, it is crucial to weigh the costs and benefits of bullshitting this paper to try and get it done before then, or waiting until after to focus on it. In this short paper, I would like to make the argument that I can finish writing this paper by 8:15.

     The effects of society on Tolstoy’s work are broad and numerous, and many would argue they they could not possibly be summarized in what is now 52 minutes. But several factors play into the possibility of bullshitting an essay in such a short period of time. Experience of the author can have a profound effect on the speed at which he writes, as evidenced by the fact that it took me only 4 seconds to write this sentence. Distractions can play a major role as well, as I just spent 6 minutes on Facebook stalking the girl in my Chem lab.

Opponents of my thesis may argue that it is currently 7:48, and I am less than halfway done writing. However, this argument fails to recognize that it takes time to come up with a topic to bullshit about in the first place. For example, I spent about 12 minutes on the introduction to this paper, and yet at the conclusion of this paragraph the time will be 7:50. Thus, it appears that the middle paragraphs of a terrible paper are far easier to write than the first ones. 7:50.

     Of course, there comes a point in time in the writing of such an essay when the author pauses to reflect on his work, and really wonders if finishing it in an hour to watch a football game is really worth the miserable feeling he will have the next day, when he goes to turn it in. Even if the author does choose to continue on, the mere consideration can be an enormous waste of time. Evidence of this idea comes from the fact that it is now 7:58. I would argue, however, that a simple glance at the fantasy team of said author will allow him to move past this obstacle and allow him to continue down the homestretch of this bold endeavor.

     When concluding such a miserable essay, it is crucial to make a last-ditch effort to explain the difficulty of writing such a paper in the first place, while at the same time remaining mindful of the fact that it is 8:10. One shitty way to accomplish this is by noting that we can never truly know how Tolstoy’s writing was influenced by his surroundings, as he rarely discussed or wrote about his writing technique during his lifetime. Of course, if such a fact is shown to be wrong by his TA, the author is truly screwed, but seeing how it is 8:13, he will probably say ‘fuck it’ and hope for the best. The next sentence will probably be unnecessarily lengthy and devoid of meaning, because at this point the author is truly drained and upset that he missed Jaws’ sit down with Michael Vick; while aware that he has about 45 seconds until kickoff and the paper needs to be just a little bit longer. The concluding sentence will likely have some bullshit about the future or effect of his topic, then end on a brighter note as the author realizes his monumental task has been completed, on time, and Tolstoy’s work will surely be studied for generations to come as his writing continues to influence the world.

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