A Closer Look: Hemosexuals

They hide among us, lurking, pretending that they are actually enjoying the Abner’s cheesesteak they are eating. They smile and nod, but know that what they crave cannot be satisfied by the average hoagie.

They are hemosexuals: worshippers of the spatula wielding titan of grilled chicken.

However, it can become difficult to spot a hemosexual, especially one that has not openly come out of the quad gate. Luckily, in addition to being the successful owner of the Smurf Pawn Shop on the corner of 13th and Spruce (35% off Hefty Smurf free weights for a limited time), I am also one of the leaders of the hemosexual detection movement. Given the recent repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Grill”, I can now clarify the qualities of someone who wants Hemo to serve them:

• A hemosexual sets up a tent and camps outside until the truck arrives in the morning. When it finally does, they say, “Good luck today! We believe in you!” and leave without ordering.
• A hemosexual creates a videogame in which Hemo takes the streets of Philadelphia to fight crime. The name of the game: Hemos and Villains.
• A hemosexual locks himself in his room on Sundays, crying while holding a Hemo’s napkin and singing “Dust in the Wind”.
• A hemosexual arrives to the cart first thing on Monday to say, “Please, I beg of you, never leave me again.”
• A hemosexual does not answer Hemo when he asks, “How are you doing today?” Instead, a hemosexual gives Hemo a collage of pictures from the day, complete with glitter and a macaroni art portrait of Hemo himself.
• A hemosexual refuses to play Mario Kart because the true winner is always Hemo’s cart.
• A hemosexual knows that the worst part of the cart is the extremely cold weather, and thusly knits Hemo a sweater so he won’t get too chilly. But he doesn’t get mad because Hemo never wears it. Really, it’s cool. Don’t worry about it.
• A hemosexual isn’t upset that Hemo doesn’t wear the Snuggie or the socks that the hemosexual put a lot of time and effort into getting for him.
• A hemosexual is…mmmm, grilled chicken….uhh what was I saying?

Next Closer Look: Greek Lady of the Night

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