Facebook Statuses For Dummies

In today’s society, Facebook statuses are the third most important way to express who you are as a person, right under your choice of cereal and where you stand on the abortion debate. Given how important Facebook is, you don’t want to leave something like this up to chance. The best strategy is to follow the tips below.

1. Make all of your statuses song lyrics.

Nothing says you’re a cultured, interesting, and bangable person like a well-used song lyric. Many people will try to tell you that lyrics are played out. These people have clearly never been inspired by such transcendent statuses as “There will be an answer, let it be” and “Wu-tang Clan ain’t nuthin’ ta fuck with.” However, song lyrics, if used improperly, can spell doom for you and your loved ones. A good rule of thumb is to make sure that the song you are quoting is either irritatingly popular or unreasonably obscure. There is no middle ground. For the former, simply take a song that was number one on the Billboard Hot 100 a couple weeks ago and post the chorus as your status. You can then sit back happily and wait for the likes and the “ZOMG I love that song!!! <33333”s to roll in. Obscure songs are far more difficult, and in this fast-paced world of Digiorno pizzas and mail-in rebates, most people do not have time to find rarities by the likes of the Meat Puppets. Thus, we recommend that you just make up your obscure lyrics. For best results, make sure that your fabrications sound vaguely poetic without actually meaning anything. For example:

“And the velvet rain poured down on us, but at least I had you”
“Racing through the star stream as the night slowly sighs”
“Something something tortured soul something.”

2. Failing that, make your status about a sporting event that everyone else is also watching

There are few things people are more passionate about than sports. And when people check their Newsfeed during or after a sporting event, all they want to see are statuses concerning that event. So when the Phillies go into the playoffs and you see everyone posting about how great and/or horrible the pitching is this year, feel free to hop on that bandwagon. The real fans will appreciate your original, insightful commentary, such as “I LOVE ROY HALLADAY” and “FUCK THE YANKEES!”

3. Failing that, sing the praises of last night’s episode of Glee

Don’t watch Glee? It doesn’t matter. Saying how good Glee was last night takes little to no effort and is guaranteed to get some likes. And if someone presses you for details, just say, “I thought the songs were AMAZING but it kind of dragged towards the middle.” Regardless of how the episode actually was, this phrase should throw off any suspicion.

4. Like all of your own statuses

The best way to show self-confidence is to like your own statuses. Not only does it show that you’re proud of the work you put in to create that status, but it encourages that hot girl in your Psych recitation to like your status too.

Following these tips will ensure that your Facebook statuses are the cream of the crop. Before long, you’ll have a bevy of people pounding at your door, begging and screaming for you to hang out with them. We wish you the best of luck actually interacting with people in the real world.

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