Dear Current Events Enthusiasts,

The latest White House negotiations for a trade agreement for the Chinese have failed. If you’ve read the newspapers recently you’d know that Obama really really wanted the Chinese. He’s offered multiple times to trade for the Chinese, but this time, like other times, he has just paid money. However, after one of his many encounters with the Chinese, Obama does not seem to have received the good fortune that so often comes when we get the Chinese. White house correspondent Gwen Poulaski expressed Obama’s disappointment that he couldn’t just get that one little piece of paper.

Rumors have it that a trade agreement has stalled this time after a hasty Obama mistakenly ordered that General Tso be delivered immediately to the White House. In hindsight he realized that he came on a little too strong but defended his actions by saying “I was just really excited because we had the opportunity to get so much for so cheap by going with the Chinese. Former presidents have always been more Mexican guys, but my advisers suggested that we went Chinese this time, and I’m glad we did.”

It’s true that the United States does have a vast Mexican history, often leaving a corrupted Mexican-American hybrid in its wake. For example, Americans have been fans of cheap tequila and burritos for as long as anyone can remember. These are both items that have emerged with previous trade agreements. Some opponents say that the Chinese is already too blended with American culture anyway and many have left the trade table with a bad taste in their mouths. They point out that the Chinese has all the wrong ingredients to make people wonder about why they’re trying to get the Chinese in the first place. Local saloon owner Mitch Jaundice said “I’m proud to say my saloon has never served Chinese during the entire time I’ve owned it. Every interaction I’ve had with Chinese has left me sick to my stomach.”

Eventually Obama’s General Tso arrived at the White House, but shortly after starting, Obama said that he’d had as much as he could take and he retired to the lounge to lie down and contemplate his decision about going with the Chinese. However, a mere thirty minutes after Obama said he was finished with the Chinese, he was hungry to resume where he’d left off. Through all the sweet and sour experiences with the Chinese, he will continue to be a first-class patron.

Full-ishly,
A. T. Piskai