Dear Mr. David Michael Shore,
Congratulations on submitting your Application to Graduation for review ! Before we can process your request, I need you to provide me some details concerning your extracurricular requirements.
As a member of the College of Arts and Sciences, you have a series of general requirements that include both academic and extracurricular requirements. While you have completed all of the academic requirements , we in records are unable to ascertain the status of your out-of-class requirements. Additionally, as a pre-medical student, there is another set of requirements which we need to verify you have completed before we can authorize you for graduation in May 2011.
If you could, please fill out the following questionnaire with as much detail as possible. If the answer to any is no, please contact your advisers immediately to rectify the situation as you will fail to graduate .
Fostered intercultural communication? Does studying at Du Bois once count?
Cross Cultural Analysis? If watching Jersey Shore counts… maybe.
Acted as an ambassador of your culture? Yes! I explained Judaism to a nice Hispanic girl by bringing her to get deli at Koch’s.
Broadened your horizons? Yes; on Birthright! It doesn’t get any more diverse than a bunch of Jews complaining about the lack of air conditioning.
Arts and Letters? Why, yes, I can read and finger paint.
Taken a class that will not benefit you in the future? Only one class? No.
Sex under the button? Nah, I prefer being on top.
Participated in the econ scream? My lady is economics, and I am her lover. So, no.
Best part of senior year was deleting “VOLUNTEER FOR PHINS” and “Housing” e mails? Yep.
Used your sexuality in order to get a better grade? They don’t call it a “Backside attack” in Organic Chemistry for nothing
Disappointed your parents once? One time? No.
Considering taking the easy road and becoming a rocket scienctist? Oh, if only.
Hate that Indian kid in the front of the classroom? Yep, but it’s not a race thing.
Dean of Undergraduate Department of Mysteries
P.S. No, you cannot write “David The Body Shore” on your diploma as your name. We have checked your Facebook photos , and you do not meet the physical requirements.