Name: Jacob Williams
Position: Attendant

1:12 AM
Sex: Female
Year: Freshman
Symptoms: Vomiting, slurred speech, dizziness. Claims she didn’t drink anything.
Diagnosis: Liar
Treatment: Tell her about Penn’s medical amnesty initiative.
Prognosis: Full recovery expected.

3:40 AM
Sex: Male
Year: Junior
Symptoms: Complaining of hearing voices no one else can hear.
Diagnosis: Has headphones in. Clearly wasted.
Treatment: Take off headphones.
Prognosis: Permanent embarrassment.

10:17 AM
Sex: Female
Year: Junior
Symptoms: Claiming she needs an ‘Insulin’ injection.
Diagnosis: Diabetes? Come on, if you’re going to make up a disease at least try for a more realistic name.
Treatment: Told her that just because I have no real medical experience doesn’t mean I’m an idiot.
Prognosis: Uh oh she collapsed on the floor.

12:31 PM
Sex: Male
Year: Freshman
Symptoms: Vomiting, uncontrollable diarrhea.
Diagnosis: Ate at Commons.
Treatment: Stomach pump.
Prognosis: Probably will go with the Liberty Plan next year.

2:14 AM
Sex: Male
Year: Senior
Symptoms: Claims he ‘doesn’t feel good.’ Needs a note to miss an exam.
Diagnosis: Right…..
Treatment: Play along, then don’t give him a note.
Prognosis: F

2:19 PM
Sex: Female
Year: Graduate Student
Symptoms: Complaining that “These obnoxious kids keep telling me that I, the T.A., don’t understand the Kant reading! They’re driving me insane!”
Diagnosis: Philosophy T.A.
Treatment: Told her to start giving them bad grades.
Prognosis: They might kill her.

4:39 PM
Sex: Male
Year: Says he’s a freshman.
Symptoms: “Lack of change or subway tokens”.
Diagnosis: Homeless person.
Treatment: Gave him a dime.
Prognosis: He’ll be back.

4:40 PM
Sex: Male
Year: It’s the same guy.
Symptoms: Says he needs 40 mg of Oxycodone stat or he’ll explode.
Diagnosis: Drug addict.
Treatment: Eh, what the hell? Not coming out of my wallet.
Prognosis: He’ll sleep good tonight.

5:50 PM
Sex: Female
Year: Junior, Fellow MERT Staff Member.
Symptoms: Psychological distress, says she’s accidentally killed 4 people already this year and she’s starting to lose it.
Diagnosis: I hear ya lady.
Treatment: Where the hell did I put that Oxycodone?
Prognosis: Possibly another jumper.