The Last Will and Testament of Nicolas Cage

Dearest friends and family (including the incomparable Mr. Jethrobot, the sweet and earnest android I created, who has recently become so much more to me than a housekeeper),

If you are reading this document, then you already know that I have finally met my maker, the cruel alien invader from the future that he is, and am now at peace. As I do not yet know the manner of my death, I have outlined the following most likely options for said manner, and the consequent instructions for how my estate is to be distributed in each case:

Scenario A: I have been killed in my quest to scale Mt. Kilimanjaro using only my teeth and nails and accompanied by Mickey Rourke as my sherpa.
Instructions: Mickey, it’s not your fault. Please accept as a reward for your friendship my three most treasured possessions: my priceless Honus Wagner baseball card, a single roll of my favorite brand of toilet paper, Charmin, and the nearly identical replica Honus Wagner baseball card, valued at nearly 48 cents.

Scenario B: I am completely incinerated except for my left big toe in a fatal hang-gliding accident, in which I crashed into a vent of an oil refinery in Romania (see section 14.6 for other stipulations regarding hang-gliding related deaths).
Instructions: I hereby bequeath 40,000 copies of Blu-Ray edition of Bangkok Dangerous to the President of Bulgaria. IMPORTANT: Do not misread the name of the country I just mentioned. Giving said copies to the President of Romania is likely to have global implications. Plus, the President of Bulgaria is a cool guy. He once let me sleep at his house while I was on the run from the I.R.S.

Scenario C: My body is discovered during a dig at an archaeological site in Mexico, and from carbon dating, appears to have been there for 4000 years or longer.
Instructions: Do not be alarmed, as I am not dead. Or, I haven’t died that way. We don’t have time to get into this now, but you must meet me where the missing piece of the ancient sundial that you have found next to my “corpse” is located, i.e., probably a few yards away or something. I will explain the rest of the story when we see each other again.

I, Nicolas Cage, hereby declare that I am of sound mind at the time and date of the signing of this legally binding document (under U.S. law, excluding Guam and Puerto Rico), and do so in the presence of the following witnesses:

Witness 1: Courtney Love
Date of Birth: Don’t remember, June?
Signature: I don’t sign legal documents anymore, and let me tell-

Witness 2: Mr. Jethrobot
Date of Birth: N/A

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