Dear President Gutmann,

I was just informed that my son, Connor (W ’14), was forcibly initiated at your esteemed university via what seems to me a horribly perverse program which is supposed to give students a greater sense of community and in your own words, “broaden their horizons.” Pardon my French, madam, but I believe it’s time you read up on your current events! Do you even watch Fox News?!

Let me step back for a moment and allow you to collect your thoughts after that rather unprovoked written ejaculation. I know what you’re thinking: “This guy is so stupid, he’s not even sure how to properly express another person’s thoughts.” And in that sense you’d be correct, since I have no idea what you were thinking when you mandated freshman attendance to New Student Orientation, or as you’ve cleverly vernacularized it in order to get the young people, “NSO.”

I don’t know how old you are, ma’am, but I lived through the 1950s. This “Orientation” ranks right up there with “water fluoridation” and “collective bargaining” on the list of threats to the future of our country. And I know I sound like an real leftist when I say this, but isn’t it a little old-fashioned to use the term “Orient” when we all know you really mean “Asia”?

I know that it is already too late to save Connor from this subliminal Asian re-education program, but think of the students of the future! Their fate is in your hands. It is my hope that one hundred years from now, our descendants will find this document in a nuclear shelter, and they will proclaim it the sole reason for our defiance in the face of the impending Chinese invasion of the United States.

All you have to do is this: next year, when the freshman arrive on campus, hold a weeklong program of “Americantation.” This way they can learn of their rights to bear arms, fire those arms, and then outsource the arms to India or someplace. I trust you will take this message to heart, as it took me over two weeks to compose. This whole pen (get it???) and paper thing is new to me.

Your humble servant,
Neil Frederickson

P.S.: I cannot stop gushing over how easy and painless move-in was! All around, just a job well-done. I look forward to move-out in May!

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