Unacceptable Lies Told on Online Dating Sites

We live in a time where people complain about being too busy to meet anyone worthy enough to bring home to mom(s) and dad(s). And by worthy I do mean anyone who would be comfortable enough with the fact that your father thinks it is socially acceptable to fart at the dinner table while simultaneously telling stories of how you shit the bed until you were 13 (thank god you stopped right before your bar mitzvah). My advice to those still clinging on to the hope that prince charming will rescue you by slipping on your lost ugg flip flop is that it probably will not happen. However, Harold Camping predicted that our world was supposed to end in May, which forced some naive people to give away their cute puppies and spend their life savings on antique statues of unicorns so I guess people can be wrong. Unless he interpreted the world ending to be synonymous with Prince William no longer being single, then I take back my statement. And as always, I digress. Well for those of you who don’t believe that the glass is half empty and teeming with microbes, there are ways to meet remotely interesting people if you would just take a break from your Google chrome game of angry birds for a few minutes. Our world has become a place where people spend more time on their computers than Chris Christie does at the dinner table so it makes sense to try to meet someone online. However, if you are to enter the world of online dating my only advice to you is to try to be as honest about yourself while at the same time hiding the fact that you once stole an entire box of slim jims from the grocery store. I’m sorry if you landed on the losing side of the genetics game but just like your mother tells you, I am sure that you have a really great personality. I have heard many stories about people pretending to be someone they are not and those stories are not just limited to Robin Williams disguised as Mrs. Doubtfire.

To begin, if you are short, do not try to conceal the fact that you couldn’t ride the rollercoasters at six flags until you were 16. If you say that you are five eight on your profile when in reality you would drown by the time your date realized it was raining, just be honest. Yes, it sucks to be really short and you probably have PTSD from being used as the four square ball at recess, but there will be someone out there just as short as you! Also, try to be honest about your profile picture; I mean you can still use the one of you on the beach where its confusing how the camera made your ass look like it was the creation of Michelangelo but just don’t steal a picture of Angie Jolie from the internet. Another thing- when you see the question of “what are you doing with your life,” do not freak out if you still live in your parents’ basement surrounded by pizza boxes and you are employed at Target. People love Target (I’m talking to you Michelle Obama); the store says you can be cheap, yet classy, just like a lower back tattoo of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Do not say that you have a high paying job if you are in the process of replying to Craigslist ads for temp work as a Chuck E. Cheese employee. While it seems like everyone around you has a consulting job, try to refrain from saying that you have one too if the only thing you are qualified to be consulted about is which Nintendo character is the best at Mario Kart (Yoshi, duhh). The universal unemployment euphemism is “I am still trying to figure everything out and I don’t want to rush into anything,” so yeah uh just say that because it sounds sort of deep.

I promise there will be matches for you and you may even find someone who shares your passion for collecting star wars action figures. Just refrain from putting that on your profile in addition to concealing your love affair with cats. Let’s be honest, those creatures are just domesticated versions of something wild and dangerous and there’s no way to know how much of that killer instinct lurks in the darkness Well, all I have to say is best of luck and if you don’t find your soul mate, you can always take your grandmother up on her offer to introduce you to that darling young kid she met at her clubhouse in Boca.

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