Hi Jake,
Thank you for your interest in the apartment at the Cornwall. As stated in the brochure you have received, the rent comes out to about $2000/month for a 6 bedroom unit, not including utilities. First of all, let me tell you about some of the building’s amenities that that fee does include. There is a 24/7 security guard, named James (we like to go by first names around the building, as we feel it helps foster a tight-knit community).
Moving on, we do have reserved parking spots outside of the building. Do try and plan ahead when you think you might need one, as they fill up fast! There is a washer in your room, though the dryer is located in the basement of the building for logistical reasons. I’m not an architect, so don’t ask me.
We also have a heated indoor pool on the property and adjacent changing rooms with lockers available for reservation. Some parts of the pool are under repair, though that’s no reason not to go swimming. Just try to avoid the sharp metal objects that have unfortunately made their way to the pool floor. Also, I would advise against using the diving board. I’m legally not allowed to say why.
Sincerely,
Marla

Hello Marla,
I’m afraid you didn’t answer my question of when the best time is for my roommates and I to have a look at the apartment. If you could please let us know soon, that would be great.
Thanks,
Jake

Jake,
Are you available on Thursday, between the hours of a 1 am and 2 am? Unfortunately that’s the only times we can allow visitors. Don’t worry about walking to the building, though, as James is quite good at his job; last year alone he killed three trespassers, as a matter of fact. He’s really been rehabilitated since his time in federal prison. I trust him with my life. On a side note, I also have a list of things included in the utilities bill this year, though it is subject to change: electric, cable, Wi-Fi, hot/cold water, exterminator, interminator, panic room maintenance, and dissection tool sterilization.
Love,
Marla

Marla,
We actually can’t do that time, as it happens. I think that despite the amazingly low price of the apartment, we are looking elsewhere. Thank you for your time.

Jake,
I’m sorry, but we can’t have you say no to us now that we have your email address. Please look forward to more spam from us at the Cornwall. If you go to the police with this information, we will find you.
Best,
Marla