The USDA Declares Terry Schiavo to be a Pizza

WASHINGTON, DC – The U.S. Department of Agriculture keeps shaking things up. Only weeks after approving the classification of cafeteria pizza as a vegetable, the USDA is drafting a proposal to bring parallelism to their most recent bill.

“We’re going to start referring to comatose people as pizzas,” said USDA committee member Tiffle Sprague. “It’s only fair.”

He added that the phrase “couch potato” would be left alone, given the minimal affiliation that the potato has with vegetables.

“My son is still a couch potato,” Sprague barbed after a day of meetings, “But my sister has been a pizza ever since she fell off that horse. It’s been tough on the family.”

Clearly, the big winners in this newly passed legislation are the owners of the long-standing yet unsuccessful Schiavo’s, a Terry Schiavo-themed pizzeria in the greater Kansas City area.

“Why Terry Schiavo? Well, we wanted to make a quick buck, and that was the big story back then,” says co-owner Harold Funtz, who founded the restaurant in 1999.
“The pizza was pretty damn good so we kept the place open, but we never got around to changing the name.”

Schiavo’s is ahead of the curve: a pizzeria that offers the equality that Congress has been fighting for.

“We don’t know why that pizzeria in Kansas City keeps coming up in the press. Terry Schiavo has been dead for six years. I’m surprised there isn’t a new public face for pizzas by now,” said Sprague.

He continued, “There is no connection between our legislation and that horrible business model, except we both come up when you google ‘Comatose people pizza’.”

“Here at Schiavo’s we don’t see any difference between a pizza, a vegetable, or a person without brain function,” says Funtz. “All we gotta do is cover it in sauce, throw it in the oven, and get it out to you in 25 minutes or your money back! And that’s a guarantee!”

“Schiavo’s! Our pizza’s aroma will put YOU in a coma!”

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