The Voice: What It's Actually About

So apparently The Voice is a singing competition, though first-time watchers might assume differently. For those who have never seen it, the hour-long show goes a little something like this:

-Carson Daly (yes, he’s still alive) pretends to be Ryan Seacrest.

-Christina Aguilera says something snarky to Adam but everyone is blinded by her iridescently bleached hair and whore couture wardrobe to realize how ditzy she sounds. If Christina keeps bouncing around in her chair we all may be in for a different kind of show. No wonder NBC aired this right after the Super Bowl – it couldn’t be the Super Bowl without the possibility of a nip-slip.

-Adam Levine retorts by flexing his muscles, and continuously reminds everyone that he won last season and he’s in the best band and he has the best tattoos and he is dating a Victoria’s Secret Angel and he has the moves like Jagger and that maroon actually is an extremely versatile color.

-Cee Lo Green stays above their childish fights and seduces the contestants instead.

-Blake Shelton is ignored by all as he tries to explain to everyone outside the Midwest who he is and why he is sitting in Carrie Underwood’s chair.

-Oh, and there’s some singing.

So remember, whether you’re Team Xtina, Team Adam, Team Blake, Team Cee Lo, Team Edward, Team Jacob, or Team Fortress, no one cares. Because in the end, no one will remember that The Voice is supposed to be about singing.

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