In totally unsurprising news, NASA has announced that Taylor Swift is not actually a human being. According to reports, Taylor Swift is a robot, created in 1989 in the nuclear facility labs of rural Pennsylvania. The US government sponsored her creation because they believed they needed a unifying force for all Americans, one stronger and more culturally relevant than democracy, religious freedom, and a shared single origin among all humans.
“We’re actually surprised that the secret was kept for this long, but after a bunch of totally straight frat bros realized how much they loved Swift’s new album, 1989, they realized something was up,” said Troy Fisher, director of the Robotics Division of NASA.
The frat bro community was too small to get answers, though. Soon after, other groups that were confused with their obsession with Swift, such as NFL players, lumberjacks, and evangelical preachers joined the coalition. They were then contacted by other organizations looking for answers. Kenneth Winson, head of the coalition told us that he received contact from the Menopausal Women of Soul Cycle organization, which was also looking into why Taylor Swift was so damn lovable and addicting. Once they joined together, they started an investigation into the matter and soon discovered the truth about Taylor Swift.
“The government chose NASA because we are the smartest scientists in the game,” said Fisher. The real reason NASA disbanded the space shuttle program in 2011 was because we needed to devote more time to watching Swift. After we began to see some dangerous glitches in personality from Miley Cyrus, who is also a robot, we wanted to make sure that the same type of thing wouldn’t happen to Swift.”
Fisher told reporters that they combined the physical features of a Barbie doll, the style and grace of Jackie O, the likeability of Meryl Streep, and the vocals of a young Julie Andrews to create Swift. They also decided to add the emotional craziness of a trailer park cat lady just to add that human touch. “Also, you know how in Batman, Scarecrow uses that spray that makes people see the things they fear. Well, we did the exact opposite. We implanted pheromones in Taylor Swift that makes anyone who sees her or listens to her think of chocolate chip cookies, pandas, and world peace. These are the reasons why she is so lovable,” added Fisher.
When we asked Swift for a comment, she responded, “Wasn’t it obvious why all of those guys broke up with me? It’s because I am a robot. No guy could ever get me wet.”