In Desperate Search of Higgs Boson, CERN Just Colliding Anything Together at This Point

GENEVA—In their search for the Higgs Boson, an undiscovered sub-atomic particle that is thought to play a vital role in the creation of life, scientists have started colliding objects at random through the Large Hadron Collider in the hopes that the particle will turn up.

The Higgs Boson, widely known as the missing piece to complete understanding of particle physics, has remained elusive since the Large Hadron Collider’s launch in 2008.

“It took ten years to build this thing,” said scientist Joel Goodman, placing a 12” floppy disk drive and four square feet of yarn in the machine. “And nine days after we finally got it going a helium gas explosion from a magnet quench incident damaged over fifty superconducting magnets…ruined my entire Saturday.”

CERN scientists have tried many different approaches to observe the elusive particle, but morale is low.

“We’ve just started colliding things for fun now” commented technician Landon McNulty.  “I think Jimmy over there collided two Kardashian sisters to see if he could create an intelligible human being but it turns out you just get a bloody mess instead. In retrospect, I think we all saw that coming.”

“One time Fred bet that he could make Cheez-Its by colliding a cracker with cheddar cheese traveling faster than the speed of sound” said another scientist, chuckling.  “The thing smelled like cheese for weeks. He never lived it down, but the Cheez-Its were great.”

Scientists and technicians have been reportedly working around the clock in futile attempts to observe the Higgs Boson. As a result, many physicists have started using unconventional approaches to finally observe the mysterious particle.

“Do we really think that the most elusive particle known to man will just waltz into our field of vision by smashing two proton beams into one another at nearly the speed of light?” said McNulty, carefully lowering two pieces of bread and a couple Kraft slices into an opening in the collider.  “No. We’ve got to think outside the box—we’ve got to use this thing to its fullest potential.”

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