Consolation Crackers

Tired of the same old chips? Looking for something that could be sweet, or salty, or even, (*GASP*) both? Well I’ve got just the column for you…Introducing the First Inaugural Consolation Cracker, formerly known as the ConSALTation Bracket, or the Consolation Snacket, wherein I evaluate the good and bad of my favorite genre of snack: the cracker.

You see, it’s like the NIT of PunchBowl’s Championchip, but without St. John’s. Why do I like crackers better than chips, you might ask? For one, they’re usually less oily. They allow for greater food diversity, as they can be eaten in almost any setting. And finally, they’re just as good for dipping as your average tortilla chip. When it comes to crackers, I guess it takes one to love one.

Since I don’t have the time to construct an entire bracket by myself, I’d like to start with a head-to-head matchup between two of my favorites: Ritz Crackers and Cheez-Its.

Ritz Crackers:

This timeless cracker just oozes class with its name, and it’s not a sellout like its derivative cousin, Ritz Bits (though they are tasty too). Buttery, crispy, and plenty salty, they always go down smooth. Seriously, they’re good with anything. The only downside are the holes; who knows how much better they would be if I could eat that much more Ritz Cracker. Maybe they sell them the way people sell donut holes. Just tiny pieces of cracker.


Bolder and saltier than Ritz, the Cheez-It can be an acquired taste. But once acquired, it is a lust which is not easily quenched. They say that the biblical hero Judith baked a cheesy, salty snack for the enemy general Holofernes, which he ate so many of that he became thirsty and drank a lot of wine and passed out. I’d guess that she probably just gave him a box of Cheez-Its. Unlike Holofernes, you can enjoy Cheez-Its without worrying that you might be decapitated. But even if that did happen, you’d die happy. Could they be too salty? Maybe, so I think I’ll give the edge in this face-off to Ritz Crackers for being less divisive.

Check back in two weeks, when I get lazy again and compare two different crackers!

Leave a Reply