Starch Madness Elite Ate Results: "Down goes Doritos! Down goes Doritos!"

Our voters know what they want. They don’t want fancy flavors. They don’t want fancy shapes, like Bugle shapes or whatever the hell Fritos are. They certainly don’t want their chips to come in a tube. They want chips…and that’s what they got. Lays and Doritos will spend the next 11 months wondering where they went wrong. Enjoy your day in the sun, Cape Cod and Kettle, Ruffles and Tostitos, because the Final Four fast approaches, and only one can be crowned the ChampionChip. Here are the results of the Elite Ate:

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1) Doritos Cool Ranch vs. 3) Cape Cod Original

Cape Cod Original wins 17-16

Cape Cod threw down the blood-stained gauntlet and said, “Your reign of terror ends here, Doritos Cool Ranch.”  And Doritos Cool Ranch laughed mirthlessly, and swiped at Cape Cod with its massive, cheese-encrusted claw.  But Cape Cod was quick and agile.  For many moons, the great warriors fought, parrying and feinting, dodging and darting, whittling each other down piece by piece, until at last, Cape Cod, with its last bit of strength, hurled its crispy, kettle-cooked sword into the heart of Doritos Cool Ranch, ending the battle once and for all.  Now, Cape Cod moves on as one of four remaining competitors, but today we remember the fallen titan Doritos Cool Ranch.  We will remember it for its subtle flavor, its satisfying crunch, and its dignity even in defeat.  But most of all, we will remember it for providing one-half of the best matchup in the tournament. – RG

1) Lays Original vs. 2) Kettle Chips Original

Kettle Chips Original wins 21-10

Lays motto is “Bet you can’t eat just one.” Well, I always enjoy a good dare, so my friends and I used to split an individual size bag of Lays and all just eat one. This motto is probably why Lays lost. Lays is also too greasy, I always feel gross after eating a whole bag, or even just three chips. Kettle is the classier chip brand, the crunchier chip brand. Kettle promises an all-natural chip, and is even endorsed by a dietician, which makes me feel better about myself when I eat them. It’s all about marketing, and Kettle just does it better. – KS

2) Pringles Original vs. 4) Ruffles Original

Ruffles Original wins 18-14

Well it looks like we have another unexpected upset as Pringles Original loses to the underdog Ruffles- wait, fuck it, no no, fuck it. I can’t write this shit. You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me? Really? You guys voted for Ruffles Original over Pringles? Has anyone in the history of chip eating ever been psyched to get a bag of Ruffles? People are more excited to vacation in Baghdad. Let’s dissect this. The word Ruffle is coarse. It’s sonically insulting.  Ruffle sounds like what you’d call shaving your partner’s pubic hair for fetishistic gratification. “Did you hear that Stacy ruffled Frank last night?” or “I don’t even pay for hookers anymore unless they’re down to ruffle me.” The bag looks like it was designed by someone who was fired two hours ago and told to whip something up for “that chip that makes me feel like my mouth is being invaded by dental instruments.” And as for the taste? It tastes like any old store brand chip. You might as well throw America’s Choice in the mix. As for Pringles.  Well- Wait a second. I’m not finished yet. I’ll tell you when I’m finished- Who doesn’t like the Pringles Guy? He’s got that sick mustache, he gets all the pussy, he’s the fucking man. Also he comes in that awesome plastic tube, obviously referencing how the Pringles mustache man is hung like Godzilla. If you eat Pringles you’ve got a big dick. End of story. If you’re a girl who eats Pringles you simply appreciate a higher quality type of chip. I just don’t understand. Why would you pick Ruffles, a chip that makes you feel like you’re being mouthraped by a cactus, when you could just as easily choose the crispy delight that is a Pringle’s snack experience? It’s just absurd. I I I I You know what? Fuck this bracket! Fuck Ruffles! And fuck you! I quit. – LW

1) Tostitos Original vs. 2) Baked Lays Original

Tostitos Original wins 23-8

Hey so apparently I’m legally obligated to write another one of these reactions. I would also like to apologize to the fine people at Frito-Lay snack Co. My comments against your Ruffles Original Brand potato chip (which is a delicious and satisfying snack food) were brash and inappropriate. I am embarrassed of my statements and the way they represent this esteemed culinary contest.

So as for Tostitos beating those Baked Lays dipshits? Final-fucking-ly am I right? Yeah, of course I’m right. Who doesn’t love Tostitos? You could dip them in all sorts of awesome shit. Salsa. Con Queso. Fucking uhhh five layer bean dip. The Tostitos are the white t-shirt of the chip world. They’re good for any occasion. Picture this scenario: you’re bringing bitches back to your house. You’re too fucked up to order any food. Then BAM you whip out the Tostitos that your Mom brought you from back home and before you know it you’re getting fucked harder than Bernie Madoff. It’s the perfect snack that says. “Yeah I’m culturally sensitive, but I’m also going to retire at 35 with a Brazilian Mistress and a coke addiction.” I can’t do it justice. There are just so many layers to the bossness of Tostitos. Speaking of which, I almost forgot, you could make nachos out of them! Fucking nachos! Can you make nachos out of those diarrhea cakes they call “Baked Lays.” The only things that were baked were the cockclowns that came up with the idea for such a bad chip. I mean you’re basically just making a shittier Pringle. If I wanted to leave my Pringles out in the sun for three days and put them in a stupid yellow bag I would’ve done it okay! I don’t need you to charge me $3.50 for that particular service. They’re pussy chips. You ever try to dip a Baked Lay (that even sounds weird). It’s like trying to write the Constitution with just a pencil in your ass. Almost impossible (almost). Fuck. If anyone thought even for a moment that those overpriced Baked Lays had a chance against my Brostitos you need a CT scan, a fucking CT scan…Uhh…Ummm. Well thank you for reading, make sure to vote, and stay tuned for the newest developments in Starch Madness! – LW

Polls for the Final Four end on 3/28 at

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