First Meeting of the Wharton-West Philly Airline Coalition

[over the intercom]: Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to the first meeting of Wharton-West Philly Airline Coalition. Here at the WWPAC we pair up Wharton alumni with people in the local West Philadelphia community to help them become more acquainted with aviation and the airline industry. You may be wondering why we’re having a meeting on a Jet Blue flight to Wisconsin. You may also be wondering why you’re going to Wisconsin. Well, Jet Blue has been kind enough to let our members be your flight attendants for the day, and I don’t know, cheese? Your flight attendants this afternoon, Chadwick and Tyrone, are a pair that has been making a lot of progress lately. They’ve kindly volunteered to start us off with the safety instructions. Please turn your attention to them at the front of the plane and we’ll be on our way shortly. Take it away, Chadwick.

My name is Chadwick and I’d like to welcome you peasants aboard flight 4337. Thank you for choosing Jet Blue, but you probably had no choice because it’s the only thing you can afford with your low paying, blue collar, middle-management jobs. I remember when I couldn’t sail my yacht halfway around the world on a whim. Worst two months of my life. Anyway, please buckle your seatbelts to protect your estate in case the pilot crashes this god-forsaken piece of public transportation to the ground. Heavens, the last time I used public transportation was my freshman year when my butler hadn’t come back from his vacation in the Cayman Islands. I paid a friend who went to public school to carry me to Huntsman. That’s public transportation, all right. You think I want to walk among the common folk?

Dear lord. In the event of an emergency please remove your monocle and give it to the nearest baby or minority before putting on your oxygen mask. If you’re pregnant or in Nursing, please for everyone’s sake let somebody else open the emergency door. They don’t need any more kids dropping out.

[intercom]: Uh, ok Chadwick, thanks for that. Let’s let Tyrone continue from here.

Ayo wassup nahmean this yo boy Tyrone, I’ll be readin to y’all these here safety instructions ‘n shit nahmean. Real talk real talk this shit important so put away your words with friends or whatever the fuck you kids playin nowadays. When I was a lil gangsta I played hos and tricks son, shit was real we didn’t have no Iphone apps n shit. We didn’t get no warning from no flight attendant before somebody’s head got busted knowumsayin. Ayo but seriously, there be three emergency-ass exits on this plane, two in the rear and one to either side of tha cockpit knowumsayin. Mayne, last time I heard “two in the rear” I was trippin on some DOPE shit b, shit got me higher than this aircraft mayne, mothafuckas was hittin me up for days with stories n shit from what happened but ayo real talk this gangsta remembers everything. Mothafuckas try to fill me in n shit on what my actions were and whatnot nahmean but this mothafucka don’t forget shit. If a tree falls in a forest this mothafucka hears that shit and has a written account too. Write that shit in the notes section of my Iphone namsayin. Anyway make sure to get that oxygen game all up on yo’ lil gangstas before you put apply that shit to yo’self. Those kids are sensitive as fuck so they trust you namsayin, I came from the South Trenton mayne so I know what they goin through. I hardcore empathize with that shit b, so don’t let them down. Aight dope, have a safe ass flight, appreciate, don’t be soft and God bless. Tyrone out.

[Intercom]: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. We realize that you’re probably all doomed in the event of an emergency. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken all that Vicodin earlier today. Have a nice flight.

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