Suggestions for Cain TV

Like all the other good little boys in our fair nation, I went to sleep on July 3rd hoping that at midnight, Uncle Sam would smash my locks and break into my house to deliver me an Independence Day present. And so, when I awoke on this fine morning, there it was. Tied up with a glorious, oversized , star-spangled bow:

Herman Cain presents Cain TV

By amber waves of Cain! It’s beautiful. Now gather ‘round the uncooked possum meatlover’s pizza and cheap explosives, it’s time to pitch shows for Cain TV!

Pinky and the Cain – What are we going to do tonight, Cain? Same thing we always do, Pinky, try to find out how to open this damn cage. Let’s give this rat a gun. We are not stupid.

Growing Cains – Join Herman, his chain smoking campaign manager, and Alan Thicke as they navigate the obstacles of raising a family.

Two Guys and a Pizza Place – Join Herman and his chain smoking campaign manager as they navigate the obstacles of raising a pizza place.

How I Met Your Herman – One woman tells the long and exciting story of how she met Herman Cain…to the jury.

H.E.R.M.A.S.H. – Herman Cain plays an American doctor in the military who lives in Korea. He tries to help all of his comrades who have been injured in the Korean War, even though the war ended almost 60 years ago.

Cain of Thrones – Herman Cain tries to convince America that winter is coming. We try to explain to him that it’s just cold in his house.

The WickHerman – “The bees! The pizza! Quick, someone call 9-9-9!”

Herman’s Head – Every channel needs to fill some time with syndicated programming, so what better for Cain TV than a show about a man named Herman who hears voices in his head?

Candy Cain – We put Herman Cain in a room with enough candy to kill a small child and just watch what happens.

Singin’ in the Cain – Set in the era of the advent of sound, a politician endures an embarrassing downfall as he realizes that he is not cut out to deliver speeches that people will actually hear.

Let’s give a lamb a gun. Let’s watch Cain TV. We are not stupid.

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