Welcome to the Neighborhood

Alright, I think we’re all here.  Thanks everyone for coming to the family meeting.  John and Carrie, I know you get to miss school for this, but do not think of it as a vacation.  This is serious business we have to take care of today.  Debbie, thanks for taking off work.  I promise this will be worth it.

Let’s begin the meeting with a little Reynolds family history lesson, shall we?  Now kids, your mother and I moved into this neighborhood 14 years ago.  It was a peaceful place to live at the time, wasn’t it dear?  Nice people, not too crowded or built up, good schools for you kids, it seemed perfect.

And it was, until that fateful day, November 6, 1999, when the Vietnamese family next door moved away and in came…..the Carpenters.

I tried to make friends with them.  We all did.  Do you remember when you made that Key Lime Pie to welcome them?  And Mrs. Carpenter said, ‘I’m sorry, but I’m allergic to kiwis’.  They thought from the very start they were too good for us.

Then began the Lawn Wars.  Property lines meant nothing to these people as they often mowed over 6 centimeters onto our property.  Insanity!  That’s why last June I  ‘accidentally’ mowed over their cheshire cat.  It had to be done.

But today I have gathered you all to say that destroying their pets is just not enough to make these people learn their lesson.  So here is the plan I have developed to finally rid the neighborhood of the Carpenters disease once and for all:

  1. John creates a diversion by going out into the street in front of their house and pretending he’s been shot.  I bought a gun for you to use pal, just shoot it up in the air and scream and cry for a while.
  2. While that is taking place, Debbie and Carrie will run to the back of the house and enter by breaking a window.  Once inside, they will spread a mixture of butter and fish oil that I have prepared all over their floors and furniture.
  3. Once Deb and Carrie are done, they will give off a signal by running back to our house and yelling ‘Cuk-aw!’ and flapping their arms.
  4. At this point, I will walk into the front of their house wearing my Ninja Spirit costume.  Once inside, I will deliver a speech about how they have upset the Ninja Spirits through their poor neighborly etiquette.  I will probably punch Mr. Carpenter in the nose if it feels right in the moment.

So that’s basically the plan.  Does anyone have questions?  Yes, you?

“Just one Mr. Reynolds.  Can you please return to your bed now?  You are scaring the other inmates.  The Carpenters won’t bother you anymore.  You made sure of that a long time ago.”  

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