Things Not to Say to Your New College Roommate

Walking into the freshman dorms, legs shaking and palms sweating, baby Quakers dread the moment of the first roommate encounter. Introductions can be nerve wracking and awkward. Except when meeting Punch Bowl’s staff, in which case they are also…sticky? Thanks to Punch Bowl’s blossoming staff ofvirginal members,you can master those first impressions with this list of what not to say to your new college roommate:


Did you know one out of two people have herpes? I have herpes.

Tonight, can I be the big spoon?

Do you mind if I hang up these J-Biebz posters?

Does your nose always twitch when you sleep?

[3 months into school] Where are the showers?

I hope my swastika bed sheets go well with your pillows.

Did you know that hepatitis can live outside the body for up to 6 weeks?

I would sexile you, but I’d rather you watch instead.

Word spreads fast around this campus, and so do my legs.

Hi, my name is Freddy Sandusky.

I’m really into recycling, so leave some of your used condoms on my nightstand.

Have you seen my vibrator lying around?

Can I borrow your underwear?

Mind if I set up my drum set in here?

[To a Chinese roommate] How do you feel about Tianamen Square, still bitter?

I sleep with my parents at home. Can we share a bed?

I really like your third grade school portrait.

Have you heard how scientology can help improve your life today?

Do you have any extra pointy white hoods lying around?

Is it ok if I bring my rat collection?

I’m thinking about joining Punch Bowl.

I forgot my toothbrush, so I just used yours to scrub the cockroach guts off the floor.

I didn’t know everyone at Drexel was so smart.

If you’re from Africa, why are you white?

Sorry the pages of your magazines are stuck together. My bad.

Oh I don’t think you are going to last very long in here.

I have this jacket I’m supposed to sleep in. Do you mind strapping me up?

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