It’s election season again, and you know what that means! The pathetic illusion of choosing between two people both of whom are ultimately just malleable puppets of the larger political institutions they represent? Yes! But also Attack Ads!!!!! It used to be that the actual campaigns were the primary distributors of such sub-human crimes against constructive discourse, but now with the advent of Super-PACs any old average Joe Biden with a checkbook and a vendetta can cook one up.
UnFortunately for you, we here at Punch Bowl have compiled some of our favorite campaign attack ads during this 2012 election cycle…
1) Barack Obama doesn’t respect small business owners. What else doesn’t Barack Obama respect? For one, his speeding tickets from the late 1980s prove he doesn’t respect most traffic laws. When will Barack Obama learn that red means stop and green means proceed with caution? Barack Obama not cautious about traffic, not cautious about your future.
Brought to you by Politically Conscious Traffic Cops of America.
2) Mitt Romney’s out of touch with the average voter. Having never stepped foot in a McDonald’s, he just assumes it’s some sort of corporate barnyard. In Mitt Romney’s world, a scowling farmer pours mystery sludge into a giant trough, where the middle class feeds like oh-so-eager piglets. Come November, make sure Mitt’s the one rolling in the mud.
Brought to you by McDonald’s Consumers Against Farm Animal Comparisons.
3) Barack Obama was the first US President to find Osama Bin Laden. Is that because Obama tricked Bin Laden into being his friend? Did they play hop scotch and jump rope together, laughing their problems away in the school yard? Did Bin Laden read Obama secret excerpts from his Hello Kitty glitter journal? Barack Obama: Killing his friends since 2011.
Paid for by I Can’t Believe You Stole My Boyfriend After All We’ve Been Through What the Fuck Casey?
4) As CEO of Bain, Mitt Romney shipped jobs overseas. But the real question is, did Mitt Romney actually ship these jobs, or did he find some way to miraculously walk across entire oceans. You know who else could walk on water? Jesus Christ. Mitt Romney, Anti-Christ? *No Steve, we’re going with the Fundamentalist Christian angle* Err umm, Mitt Romney, walks on water. So did Jesus? Mitt Romney, warm blooded Christian at heart? Jesus?
Concerned Citizens for…Wait What Are We Supposed to Support Again?
5) Barack Obama is a bastard. He doesn’t even know who his real father is. What else don’t we know about Barack Obama? Mitt Romney is a cool guy. His Dad is a powerful Executive working for this man. The girls like him just fine, young and old, it doesn’t matter, in the dark.
Brought to you by Americans for Gob Growth.
6) Mitt Romney claims lowering taxes will “stimulate the economy” and help to “relieve the burden on the middle class.” According to Governor Romney, taxes are painful to the American people, embarrassing many families who just can’t afford that next mortgage payment. But what about those among us who like pain, who like embarrassment, who like to be shackled to the basement ceiling fan, while a circus midget curses at them in German? People like us need to be “stimulated!” People like us need to be “relieved!” People like us need to be taxed and burdened like the dirty little bourgeoisie whores we are!!!! Slave wants a smaller slice of the pie! Slave wants a lower quality of living. Slave wants his precious tax dollars to be wasted on tilapia farms in Dade County Florida! Master Enforcer Romney, doesn’t care about the rights of filthy slave whores…nor should he.
Paid for by Masochists for Higher Taxes.
7) Barack Obama allowed guns to get into the hands of dangerous Mexican drug cartels, in a notorious scandal dubbed Fast and Furious. When you go to the polls this November, ask yourself: Who else is Barack Obama giving dangerous weapons to? Are we completely sure President Obama isn’t giving samurai swords to blind babies? Nunchucks to Iguanas? Chainsaws to men who might use said chainsaws to massacre the US state of Texas? Is Barack Obama handing over Mel Gibson in his Lethal Weapon Detective Sergeant Martin Riggs persona to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Barack Obama: Handing over dangerous weapons like they’re Twix Bars on Halloween.
Brought to you by PAUL RYAN or (People Against Unnecessarily Letting Reptiles Yank A Nunchuck).
8) Mitt Romney wants to kill Big Bird. Unable to accept the fact that America’s taxpayers have to foot the bill for wasteful government programs, the Massachusetts Governor spends every waking minute skulking around the PBS headquarters, tracking the giant canary’s every step. But Mitt gets into way more than he bargained for when he discovers Big Bird’s hidden double life, mainly as a frequent visitor of “Two in the Bush,” a local Sesame Street strip joint. There, Romney falls headfirst into the talons of depravity, when he watches Big Bird do a mound of cocaine off Oscar the Grouch’s trash can, engage in clandestine orgies with Burt and Ernie, and beat Kermit the Frog to death with a metal pipe. The story comes to a shocking conclusion when Romney follows Big Bird to none other than his own mansion. Unwilling to let that Big Yellow Bastard anywhere near his family, Mitt heroically shoots him in the chest. Anxiously awaiting what depraved creature lies beneath the fowl façade, Romney removes Big Bird’s mask, revealing none other than his wife, Anne Romney…THE END.
Paid for by M. Night Shyamalan Presents: Birds of a Feather.
Graphics by Moncia Schechter and Julia Hurley