Hey you! Yeah, you watching that television! Do you celebrate Halloween? No? Why not? You’re probably too busy scrambling to find your next heroin shoot or engaging in self-abuse on an empty subway car to celebrate Halloween. Why do I ask? Well, in case you don’t know, or are some kind of social pariah who doesn’t fucking celebrate holidays, Halloween’s great! There’s fun everywhere: haunting masks, spooky costumes, sweet candy, plus for one day you get to act like your life isn’t one bottomless pit of dreadful melancholy! Anyway, if you’re not some kind of cultural polyp who doesn’t celebrate Halloween, then come on down to Halloween Hal’s Halloween Emporium, the only place to “ghoul” if you’re looking for discount Halloween outfits. We’ve been serving “Halloweenies” like you since 2007, right before the stock market crashed, and Halloween Hal thought investing in a Halloween store would be a good idea. Why go anywhere else for your costume needs? There’s no reason to! Seriously, we got all the best Halloween costumes right here, okay? Alright? Halloween Hal’s the only place in town with Halloween costumes guaranteed to make you “scream” your pants! We have an entire array of outfits including:

Slutty Nurse. Slutty French Maid. Slutty Nun. Slutty Funeral Home Director. Slutty Mutated Frog. Slutty Art Museum Cafeteria Worker. Slutty Jim Belushi. Slutty Qdoba Employee. Slutty Wawa Employee. Slutty McDonald’s Employee. Slutty Burn Victim. Slutty Daniel Tosh. Slutty Dying Giraffe. Slutty Actuary. Slutty Slut. Slutty Crisis Counselor.

Whether you’re trying to compensate for years of parental neglect or are “just trying to have fun” come buy your costumes here. Halloween Hal won’t judge.

Let’s hear a testimonial from one of our repeat customers.

“I was just leaving my work as shift manager for Qdoba and some guy came up to me with a gun and said ‘Is that a medium? Fuck it! Give me your shirt! I can’t afford the overhead on these costumes anymore-‘”

Woah Nelly! How’d that get in there!! Halloween Hal’s got prices so cheap it’s scary! You know what else is scary? Owning a Halloween shop for the 11 months of the year that aren’t October! You know who comes to Hal’s store in the middle of April? Perverts looking to get their jollies while wearing child sized Yoshi costumes. Why would any forty five year old man in a trench coat want a Yoshi costume? Halloween Hal doesn’t know! Halloween Hal’s way too tired to care.

If you still don’t think Halloween Hal’s the “fright” choice for your Halloween needs well then you obviously haven’t heard about our fully functioning Jango Fett costume!

“What’s that about a fully functioning Jango Fett costume? I’ll only go if it shoots fire balls out of its hands!”

You heard right! For a five dollar cover charge you can see Halloween Hal’s fully functioning Jango Fett costume for the better part of three minutes. It even shoots fire balls out of its hands! Come and see it. Maybe you’ll buy it! Please buy it. We can’t afford to have this 400 dollar Jango Fett costume lying around. Halloween Hal isn’t made out of money.

Already have a costume? No problem! Halloween Hal’s got all the latest Halloween accessories including:

Fake fangs. Fake Hillbilly teeth. Fake beards. Fakes mustaches. Fake tombstones. Fake blood. Real tears. Fake semen. Magic wands. Pitchforks. Little devil ears. Little cat ears. Giant rubber fists. Candy from last year’s Halloween because Halloween Hal’s candy supply channel accidentally added an extra 0 to his order but we’ll let Halloween Hal worry about that!

“But Halloween Hal, what if I get a costume and want to exchange said costume for a different costume? Do you have a particular policy that allows me to do that?”

Well lucky for you Halloween Hal thinks everyone should have a second chance. Halloween Hal sure wishes he had a second chance when it comes to his ex-wife walking in on him in bed with a sexually ambiguous woman of the night…she was just some WHORE Shirley! I didn’t love her! It was a mistake! One stupid night, that’s all! I was barely even with her! She didn’t have what we had Shirley! You gotta believe me. For the kids Shirley, I just wanna see- erm Halloween Hal just wants to see his kids again.

And that’s why Halloween Hal’s Halloween Emporium is the only Halloween outlet in the Pennsylvania area to offer a 48 Hour No Questions Asked Let’s Rebuild Our Life Together Exchange Policy.

Halloween Hal’s Halloween Emporium: Where the masks are scary, the costumes are snug, and there’s enough candy corn to feed a whole family full of witches! Come on down, buy a couple costumes, snag a few gallons of fake blood, or I swear to fucking God the skeleton hanging from the ceiling next week won’t just be some cheap decoration this time…

Halloween Hal’s:  Where “Trick or Treat” isn’t just a saying, it’s a guarantee!