Honey, can you put down that pipe for a second? We need to talk. I was over at Shonda’s new place the other day, and it got me thinking, we should really get to redecorating this crack house.

Now, I know we only got this furniture 2 years ago, but none of it feels modern anymore. Tables and cabinets in this style haven’t been popular since 2009, and this blue-gray wallpaper has turned from trendy to kitsch a lot more quickly than I expected. Not to mention all the burn spots in the upholstery from when you were tweaking and thought the sofas had turned into werewolves.

I’m thinking of a whole new color scheme for the carpets, too. I think if we change this blue to an earthier green it’ll give this place more of a “classic” feel. Plus, greens really seem to pop whenever I’m on PCP.

And a little contracting work would do wonders for this place. Nothing too crazy—just some repairs to all the wainscoting we destroyed last time we were stripping copper wire from the house.

Which brings me to the question of money. I know we’re trying to devote most of our budget towards crack these days, but you’re telling me we can’t find a few extra dollars for some interior decorating? We just need to be frugal and a little creative. I already have some great ideas! If we just break into Shonda’s house and steal all of her copper, we can at least buy a couple nice loveseats. Or, we can sell off a bunch of unnecessary things like the insulation or the roof. If we really commit to this, I know we can make it work.

Oh, and I know this might be kind of late notice, but I invited some people over for a combination dinner/crack party on Friday, so if we want to make a good impression we should really try to get that furniture by Thursday. I’m expecting at least 6 people, so we should start stocking up on crack as soon as possible. I’ll talk to the dealer if you call the Rent-A-Center.