Woman Adds “Being Passive Aggressive” to Resume

PHILADELPHIA- Saying, “it will really help me stand out,” recent college graduate Zoe Stein has added “Being Passive Aggressive” to her skills on LinkedIn, as well as her official resume.

Stein said, “I see it as being pro-active and honest. Consulting companies are looking to hire young employees who can tell others what they are doing wrong, but in a subtly mean way.”

Sources close to Stein confirmed that she is accomplished at being passive aggressive.

Stein’s roommate said, “I borrowed her toothpaste, and instead of telling me to stop, she started to keep her toothpaste in her bedroom.” In another instance, Stein wrote her name on all her food products, even though their groceries go on different shelves.

A close friend, Rebecca Lane, said that Stein excels in the field of backhanded compliments. “She’ll say things like, ‘That’s super cute, did you get it at a thrift shop?’ But she hates thrift shops.”

“Obviously,” Lane said, “I endorsed her for the skill on LinkedIn.”

Recent studies by Johns Hopkins University show that people gifted at passive aggression succeed more in job interviews than people who are just aggressive.

Stein concurred, citing her own experience. “The Goldman [Sachs] interviewer asked me for an example of a time I effectively managed a group. I told him about my time as a camp counselor, when the girls in my bunk would leave empty toilet paper rolls on the holder, and I sarcastically wrote, ‘Why so quick to replace me?’ on the rolls, then placed them on beds. Believe me, those girls learned quickly.”

Stein got the job, but only after her father made a few phone calls.

“We’re quite proud of her,” her mother commented. “She’s been this way since she first got her period.”

“Everything I know, I learned from my mother,” Stein said. “We ignore each other’s emails every week.”

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