New Courses at Wharton Teach You How to be a Criminal

This spring, Wharton plans to offer three new courses to effectively teach students how to pull off finance-related crimes. The first course offered will be “Accounting Fraud for Dummies”, which will be taught by Jeff Skilling, former CEO of Enron. The second course will be entitled “Fun with Ponzi Schemes”, which will enable students to successfully pull off the crime. The third course will be entitled “How to be a Douchebag on Wall Street”, and will focus less on how to commit crimes and more on how to fit the stereotype of a Type A investment banker bitch. This course is also cross-listed with FNCE100 (Corporate Finance).

When asked about these new course offerings, Wharton administration commented on the inevitability of its students committing financial crimes. “Research shows that at least 23% of our alumni have become investment banker douchebags and 12% have either embezzled or laundered money. If they’re going to do it anyways, why not teach them how to do it well!” said Wharton Co-Chair of Academics, Melissa Madoff. “In addition, we will be completely removing the Legal Studies and Business Ethics department from the whole university. I mean, ‘lez be real’, who needs ethics when you can have fun,” she repeated.

Unsurprisingly, there has been outcry from the now defunct Legal Studies and Business Ethics department, as well as fierce opposition from the Wharton Do-Gooders Club. “This is ridiculous. How can an institution of such prominence offer these terrible courses?” said Timothy Thomas, the President and only member of the club. “We had six people come to our first GBM this year, and although they only stayed for the free Pod, I feel as if I really connected with them. But with these new course offerings, no one is going to care to join my awesome club”, said Timothy as he broke down in tears.

Wharton administrative leaders have responded with an iron first, incredibly proud of their new course initiatives. “Here at Wharton we strive to offer the best courses to our finest students. This institution represents excellence, intelligence, and, most importantly, badass-ness. So who’s to stop us from offering these courses?”, said Melissa Madoff. She continued, “I was listening to Ace Hood’s totally amazing song ‘Bugatti’ the other day and he kept on repeating the lyric ‘I woke up in a new Bugatti’. And that’s when it hit me: money, cars, and everything else material are really the only things important in this life. So why not use these new classes to teach our students how to successfully wake up in a new Bugatti.”

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