Penn has announced it will make a new lane on Locust Walk that tailors to passengers who don’t want to see anyone they know. This lane will enable students to walk safely through Locust Walk with their heads down staring at their phones. Construction will begin next week due to increased pressure from Penn undergrads, who reportedly, “know too many people” and find it “a pain in the ass to say hi to all of them and pretend to remember their names and fake interest in what midterms they have and pretend to know which character died on Game of Thrones”.
Sebastian Rodriguez, Penn’s Head of Facilities, has stated that he has seen this coming. “Penn kids see each other on Locust Walk, they stop and talk, and eventually others behind them can’t get through. It hinders our students’ experience. We want to maximize their happiness and have them look forward to going to class”.
However, interviewing Penn undergrads indicated they did not share the same reasoning. “Are you joking me? You think that’s the reason? No, the reason I want this damn new lane already is because I hate having to say hi to Phoebe Johnson with her fake nose and Tommy Karl who spits when he talks and think it’d be fun ‘if we went scuba-diving together’. That’s why I want this lane. To avoid people I can’t stand. You think I even remember the names of any new people I meet? Please, half the time I’m blackout. I don’t even know your name,” said Myra Wasserman, Penn sophomore.
“You know why I want this new lane? Because I want to get to class without having to bump in to my Econ professor who inappropriately touches me and tells me that I have ‘gentle lips’ and that I’d definitely learn more one-on-one during her office hours. And I really hate it when Melissa Sandberg tries to invite me to her date-night when I clearly don’t want to go. Doesn’t she know her eyes are too far apart? That’s why I want this new lane. So I won’t have to see anyone. Seeing people in person has become so annoying,” said an anonymous Penn Junior.
Recent surveys prove that Penn students are fed up with human interaction. When asked what bothers them most about Locust Walk, 8% responded with construction, 10% responded with fear of squirrels on trees falling onto their heads, and the other 82% responded with running into people they know/ seeing past hook-ups/Asian tourists asking to have their picture taken.
“When I’m rushing to class, saying hi is just too much. I mean, you have to like lift your hand and then like say the word “hi” and then maybe smile at them all the while continuing to walk. Like what do you think I am? An acrobat? It’s just too hard,” said Myra Wasserman as she snapchatted this boy on the track team that she maybe likes.