Thanksgiving Haikus 2013

We at the Punch Bowl have always believed in the power of haiku, so take a break from passing snacks and defusing arguments this Thanksgiving and celebrate. And count the syllables if you’re that guy.


Thanksgiving is good
Hannukah is really good
Now they’re together

My uncle told me
How the Jews took Thanksgiving,
Is Christmas next then?

Thanksgiving turkey
Would rather be watching porn
Turkey then porn, though?

Auntie you’re drunk but
Please don’t reenact Miley
At the VMAs

Hand up turkey’s ass
Totally acceptable
Hooray Thanksgiving!

What does the fox say?
No-one knows, but it’s tasty.
Eat it with turkey.

Thanksgiving dinner.
Who could that be at the door?
“Your grandma is dead.”

I am thankful that
Penn in touch fucked my life up
Wait no I am not

Happy Thanksgiving
I broke up with my boyfriend
Here try some turkey

Who cuts the turkey?
Castration for the losers,
Virtual, of course

It is Thanksgiving
And Chanukkah I think, so,
Pass gefilte fish

Thanksgiving dinner
Or time to get blackout drunk
They’re the same to me

Thankful for my fam
But mostly The Real Housewives
Yeah, The Real Housewives

It’s time to give thanks
For all we have. Tomorrow,
We’ll fight over deals.

Proud to be vegan
Except for Thanksgiving night
Fuck that tofurkey.

Plot twist: you become
Pie on Thanksgiving because
Turkeys eat you. Yum!

Aunt Jane is crying
Uncle Joe, cut her off now
Shit you’re all too drunk

Drunk uncle is drunk
I think he spiked the egg nog
Drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk

Why are so many
Haikus about being drunk
This is thanksgiving

Turkeys are so scared
It’s not our fault they taste good
We eat all their friends

Turkey is cooking
A PBR in its butt
Then wrapped in bacon

How do we know her?
Who is she sitting next to?
Me? why why why why

Have some roast turkey
Oh…you say you’re a vegan?
Would you like a…beet?

I am Turducken
King of kings, look on my works
Ye mighty, despair

Turkey turkey yum
Bacon green beans, chicken soup
Vegans can fuck off

I am thankful for
TV, to watch my cousins
While I take a nap

I stayed on campus
To do work and to study
Not going to happen.

Two guys with good jobs,
A seven year old, and me
At the kids’ table

In theaters Thursday,
Hannukah vs Thanksgiving
Only one can win

Spell Thanksgivukkah?
That’s worse than Chanukkah. Or
Hannukah. Fuck it.

I wear my bad jeans
To holiday dinners ‘cuz
Well, they stretch. A lot.

Let us give thanks for
Butterball and TV sales
High-def, high blood pressure.

Don’t trample me please
I just want a new TV
To be thankful for

When they ask college is
“Good.” “Great.” “Stimulating.” And
I never get drunk.

After much practice
I’m now a master baster
I can baste your bird 😉

Can you handle it?
The nonstop christmas music
the rest of the year?

I am quite grateful
for my therapist, of course
and for the good wine

Some quotes from grandma:
Have you found a husband yet?
You are getting old

Some quotes from grandma:
How does that iPad thing work?
Oh technology.

Some quotes from grandma:
You want to move to New York?
Why so far from me?

Don’t have plans except
Hosting dinner for other

Salento is great
I wish it did Thanksgiving
I love Salento

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