After years of intensive field research and tests, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association (NOAA) has determined that the exact weather in Hell every day of the year is 37 degrees and raining. “We sent a team down there in 2004 to test a theory that the true nature of Hell is not, in fact, fiery, but rather just sort of damp and uncomfortable,” says head researcher Michael Carr. “Our findings have really disproved the adage ‘hot as hell’ because in reality, everything is just sort of clammy and chilled all the time.”

Carr descended into Hell with his team of eighteen scientists to identify the exact atmospheric conditions of humankind’s most cursed pit of doom. “It really was a scientific breakthrough just to send us into the blackest rings at all. Hell has existed for millions of years and we were the first team to really investigate the weather down there.”

Though it was a major milestone in his scientific career, living in Hell was not entirely a positive experience for Carr. “They have all of these puddles that don’t look as deep as they are, and then you step in them and your shoes are wet and dirty all day and it’s just miserable. God, that part was rough.”

The team of scientists utilized several methods of tracking the weather, including taking barometric pressure, recording rainfall accumulation, tracking cloud patterns and making use of detailed satellite observation. “What’s really different down there is the never-ending darkness — a darkness so dark it poisons your very soul. That combined with the choking sulfuric clouds really makes for an unusual climate. Definitely an experience,” says Carr about the eternal home of the slandering Prince of Demons. “I was expecting some profound differences between life on Earth and damnation in Hell, but I don’t know that anything on Earth could have prepared me for discomfort of constant, never-ending sleet. Hell, I’m not sure there’s anything worse than that.”