6 Things I Would Tell My Younger Self

We learn many hard lessons over the course of our lives. Like my father always said, “I have more regrets than Skip Bayless has romantic feelings for Tom Brady”. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and teach my younger self some lessons. Here are the top 6 things that I would tell myself.


  1. “Stop screaming and instead tell someone that you’re hungry”

I know you haven’t developed any language capabilities yet, but I think you’re really stepping on everyone else’s toes right now. Calm down bud.


  1. “Why did you pour all of the Cheerios out of the bowl?!”

Now eating all these individual pieces with your grubby little hands is going to be — hey! Why did you just push your sippy cup from your high chair? You know, you can be a real dick sometimes.


  1. “Get that block out of your mouth”

It doesn’t look even remotely edible. It’s made out of god damn wood why would you ever think that? Are you dumb or something?


  1. “Stop shitting yourself”

Are you serious? Do you really want to wallow in your own filth for the next hour? Try using the toilet like a fucking adult why don’t you. You’re really ruining this breakfast for the whole family, pal.


  1. “Why aren’t you a viral YouTube video yet?”

There are so many kids your age who have blown up on YouTube. You can’t think of one cute thing to do in front of a camera? I know it’s the 90’s and YouTube doesn’t exist yet but let’s at least get a spot on America’s Funniest Home Videos.


  1. “Stop sleeping so much”

You might be one of the laziest people I ever met. You need to get a job.

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