eHarmony Advertising Team Justifies Creepy Octogenarian as Company Spokesperson

For some time now Dr. Neil Clark Warren has been the company spokesperson of online dating site eHarmony.  Dr. Neil Clark Warren appears in many of the company’s commercials, such as this one:

eHarmony advertisements follow the same general plot line: a distressed single person is trudging through the woes of life when a vaguely creepy old man materializes on screen, verbally abuses the single person, and leaves.  We interviewed the eHarmony advertising team and asked why exactly that is.

“Ultimately, we want our users to feel comfortable using the eHarmony dating site,” says Senior Advertising Agent Mark Ting.  “And what’s more comfortable than a khaki sweater vest and a pair of white, extra-wide, memory foam, New Balance tennis shoes?”

Junior Agent Anna Prentice agrees: “So many dating sites feature young, attractive people that tend to turn away users who think they can’t compete with the people in the commercials.  Instead, we show them an eighty-year-old whose arthritis and technological ineptitude surely disqualifies him from even being able to log onto our site.”

eHarmony’s resident psychologist, Dr. Jerry Atrick, adds that, “Dr. Neil Clark Warren performs the role of a nagging, pressuring, grandchild-hungry grandparent like a professional.  You don’t even need to go home for Thanksgiving!”

How effective is Dr. Neil Clark Warren, according to the average user?

Maria Richman, long-time user of eHarmony, describes her experience first viewing an eHarmony commercial.  “I had tried Match, Zoosk, Tinder, Bumble, Happn, OkCupid, OkStupid, Christian Mingle, Christian Tingle, Christians with Shingles, Farmers Only, Grindr, I watched the show the Grinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, I watched the movie When Harry Met Sally, I cried, the Apple dating app iCry, HowAboutWe, Qeep, Badoo, Skout, BoyAhoy, Chips Ahoy, J Swipe, K Swipe, JK Swipe (where you swipe someone and then you’re like, “just kidding, never mind”), Daily Free, Daily Unlimited, Growlr, Chowdr, and Hot or Not, but the people on the apps just weren’t wealthy enough. When I saw that old guy on eHarmony, I knew that would all change.”

Howie Doohan is a first time user.  “I thought it would be scaring people, like that old guy did in the ad.”  Howie looked disappointed; clearly, eHarmony was not what he had hoped.  “I guess I’ll go back to doing it the old fashioned way, by yelling at people on the street.”

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