The Canada Goose: A Nature Documentary

The Canada Goose: a creature so profound, so majestic. No matter which Ivy League campus it inhabits, it can always find others of its flock.

Welcome, readers, to the Discover-ing Channel (for copyright reasons).

In this installment of Natural Phenomena, we delve into the world of the Canada Goose. Not to be confused with the Canadian Goose, a bird that pooped all over your soccer field as a kid, the Canada Goose seeks to set itself apart by fitting in.

It is likely that you, the reader, have witnessed one before. When observing nature from College Green, one might recognize a Canada Goose flock-member by its distinctive circular arm marking. Other signs of a Canada Goose include a fur lining around the face (even though they “liked” animal rights groups on Facebook), legs clad in Lululemon, or Rainbow flip flops in February. The most definitive way, however, to mark a true Canada Goose is from its innate radiation of the message “yes, this jacket cost $900, yes, I own two, and yes, I’m better than you.”

The Canada Goose distinguishes itself from its neighboring species of Commons-goers with its off-campus diet. Sweetgreen, Honeygrow, and La Croix all make up the staple elements of its eating habits. Once a Canada Goose has reached maturity, it confirms its elevated status by adopting a new watering hole. At either Rumor or Recess, the flock member officially enters a biome uniquely its own.

Mating season for the Goose starts as the weather gets chilly with the onset of winter. The species attends gatherings called “Champagne and Shackles” in the hopes of finding a new temporary mate. Watch, as the Canada Goose emerges in the spring with fresh relationship drama. This ritual of pairing up in the cold months is ultimately necessary as a precursor for more important and insta-worthy social events – formals.

Summer and winter are the main migrating seasons, as the Canada Goose temporarily leaves its nest of Domus, Radian, or an off-campus frat for more scenic and “post-able” locations. Curiously, for exactly one week in the springtime, the flock, with inexplicable clockwork, migrates to Cancún, Mexico. Upon arrival in its new territory, the Canada Goose will shed its outer layer and participate in mating calls such as “HELL-YEAH-SPRING-BREEEEEAK” or “OH-MY-GOSH-LET’S-DO-SHOTS”. These calls are often later accompanied by a ritual of regurgitation.

Although researchers have made impressive strides in understanding the Canada Goose, the fascinating lives of these creatures still leave much to be discovered. Are they more likely to have a summer internship in DC or vacation in Europe?  Are there measurable variations between the Castle flock members and the OWLs members? Will the Wharton breed continue to bring up their new tech startup idea in every conversation?

Though we may never truly know all of their secrets, we can be assured that their legacy offspring will continue to populate the campus region for years and years to come.

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