In an unfortunate imitation of the Federal Government, The University of Pennsylvania has announced that, effective immediately, it will enter a “University Shutdown” in response to an impasse in budget discussions.

Sources close to the matter told the Punch Bowl that, inexplicably, there were two “teams” formed among board members during these discussions. One side, dubbed “Party A,” was accused of conspiring against students over 6 foot 4 inches tall; they rejected proposals to increase the height of all doorways by 8 inches. The other side – “Party B” – stood, in view of the former, guilty of the crime of extreme moral delinquency. The reason for this: a $12 million proposed addition to the budget to remove and incarcerate squirrels convicted of violent crimes. Whether the school will pursue a rehabilitation-centered approach or a traditional punishment-based one remains to be seen.

Shocking allegations on both sides, to be sure. But what are the implications for the average student?

All work-study students will have their paychecks delayed until the University re-opens. It is also now against the law to look at the Button sculpture. However, tuition will still be collected as normal.

When we requested comment from President Gutmann’s office as to how the school could continue to collect money from its students but not have the ability to dispense that money as usual, the office responded as such:

“You’re just an anarchist”.

Confusion as to just what part of the University was shut down is currently playing out as the Penn community continues its day-to-day life. Meanwhile, the Board of Trustees have taken up positions on opposite sides of College Green, lobbing raw eggs at each other and holding signs that read,

“Party B hates underprivileged squirrels!”

and,

“Party A wants to destroy traditional values of ducking when you go through a door that’s too short!”

That sign in particular was difficult to read because the text was all squeezed together, in order to fit on the poster board.

Tall people and squirrels could not be reached for comment, as they presumably either all had concussions from bashing their heads against doorways, or were busy being unlawfully detained.