Penn Students Diverge into New Species

*Full disclosure: The Punch Bowl is officially sponsored by science.

According to distinguished professor and evolution expert Dr. Doyoualittle, “behavioral isolation stems from individuals failing to recognize potential mating partners. Ultimately, this leads to the development of a new species.”

Recent research suggests that the phenomenon has been occurring on Penn’s campus between the following populations: students who own Airpods, “Airthropods,” and those who don’t, “the Naked-Eared”. 

Due to the drastically different realities of the Naked-Eared to the Airthropods, scientists have noticed a decline in social and sexual interactions between the two communities. Apparently, the Airthropod population fails to acknowledge the existence of anyone with exposed ear-holes. The Airthropods’ heightened sense of smell enables them to sniff out any knockoffs. This adaptation dramatically intensifies the level of behavioral isolation, thus increasing the rate of speciation.

Airthropods maintain a tight knit social circle, exiling all those who affiliate with the Naked-Eared. While this unprecedented type of speciation is still in its preliminary stages, the emerging species call themselves Homo-Earrectus.

Many researchers were surprised, initially hypothesizing the reproductive barrier to transpire between Engineering and Wharton students. In fact, the exact opposite seems to be happening.  Rampant interbreeding between the two seemingly disparate populations has been recorded in droves. The previously isolated species of students now produce an elite class of offspring, adapted for life in silicon-rich environments, typically found in valleys, conducive to tech start-ups.

This article was sponsored by the Wharton Eugenics Club.


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