If a person cries in the middle of Locust and other students are around to hear does it even matter?

Most Penn students surveyed in a convenience sample gathered while screaming this age-old riddle on the compass during peak class rush hour said no. However, a few clarified that it does matter because their wails can be annoying and distracting, just like our reporter who was conducting the survey.

With this staggering, completely legit statistic, we scheduled a meeting with CAPS to get their response to the epidemic of apathy on Penn’s campus. Not expecting much after waiting 267 days for the next available appointment, we were shocked when a CAPS representative not only acknowledged the problem, but actually offered a concrete and affordable solution, an unprecedented response from the service.

The answer: bread.

The CAPS representative told us, “These sobbing students don’t really need therapy, medication, or social support. That is expensive and difficult. What they really need is dinner rolls, baguettes, and ciabatta. Eating bread is scientifically proven to alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety.”

A little doubtful, we decided to test this medical advice ourselves and see if this method was really as effective when sighting distraught classmates as just walking a little faster and avoiding eye contact. With a backpack full of rolls and a loaf of Wonder Bread, we hit the streets.

Every time we saw a student silently crying in the library or staring at their phone blinking back tears on a bench, we hurled some carbs at their face.

And remarkably, it worked!

They are startled out of depression, and after eating the bread, report feeling instantly better. Plus, this method is really fun and encourages bystanders to buy their own loaf and get involved. It really is the perfect solution. Thanks, CAPS!