The trend of modern e-devices coming under fire for safety issues continued Saturday, as Penn students became aware of a mysterious lung disease that has since stricken over a dozen undergraduates. No deaths have been reported yet, but each case has independently involved the use of electronic scooters for transportation.

The scooters, though vetted by the FTC upon their release, were never subjected to scrutiny by the FDA for potential adverse effects. This news comes in the wake of another scandal involving e-cigarettes reportedly causing multiple deaths due to an unknown additive.

Early reports focused on one particular student, believed to be patient zero. Reportedly a heavy user of e-scooters, the College sophomore was said to consume a full battery charge per day of transportation on the scooter. According to the CDC, this is equivalent to watching one entire season of Friends on your couch for each one of those recharges. Pretty serious stuff.

As for the scooters, students have been advised not to purchase any counterfeit products they may come in contact with, and to abstain entirely if at all possible from the new mode of transportation. If you are suffering from addiction to the smooth ride the scooter provides, the University has released a list of resources on their website, which includes an instructional guide for how to use your feet to walk, a link to the schedule for the free campus bus service, and the wikipedia page for the term “bicycle”. Until further notice, expect to see a lot fewer of the two-wheeled menaces, and, hopefully, a lot more of those good, clean internal combustion engines providing safe, consequent-free rides to commuters everywhere.

 

This article was sponsored in part by Saudi Aramco, the State of Kuwait, and Joe Biden’s son (the shady one).