Here enclosed I put
Thirty haikus for your taste.
Enjoy carefully.
Friendsgiving’s no fun
When your friends are all vegan
Turkey, ham, meat, PLEASE
No Christmas music!
Don’t mention New Year’s; or I’ll
turn you into roast ham, swine.
No wine for me, please.
I’m an expecting mom: my
Food baby’s due soon.
Mom’s cooking has changed.
Turkey’s burnt, gravy’s like mud.
Damn you, Alzheimer’s!
What am I thankful
For? My family, friends, and
A roach-free queen bed.
The war on Christmas
Now all liberals want to take
Our beautiful meats
I burned the turkey.
You fumbled all of the sides.
Let’s just get Asian.
You bring the turkey
and the mashed sweet potatoes.
I’ll give you stuffing.
Who cares about food.
I only think about drinks.
I want fireball.
Pass interference,
Offense number twenty-one.
Cowboys lose again!
What to do today?
Go out? Nah. Watch TV? Eh.
Might just sleep all day.
Only four days off.
No time to go home, goddamn.
What a lonely life.
Only four days off?
I think I know the reason:
Liz hates her family
Put on an apron
It’s going to get messy
Pour gravy on me
The turkey so dry
Mother poured water on it
It’s just not the same
Santa’s elves- awake!
Your time is coming so soon
I need to get off
Aunts, uncles, and me
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
A family tree
Bring up the drama
Did grandma ever love you?
Mom and dad think not
Pour another round!
You cannot make this shit up
Grandpa says he’s shot
“His eye is bleeding”
Brothers found the bb gun
-inspired by the truth
My cousin called me
I listen to her voicemail
“When will you be here”
Cotton eyed joe came on.
The turkey in my stomach
Is doing a jig
Fold out the table
We need an extra seat, mom!
Skrillex just arrived
My phone never eats first
They wait for my food to come
I love you, apple
Rachel couldn’t come
The cranberry sauce so wet
“They are not the same!”
I want for Christmas
a bottle of jack or rum.
Any drink. Not you.
Large unhinged street brawls.
Free for all and no mercy.
I love Black Friday.
I love Black Friday
I never buy anything
Go for ambiance
You have to go home
Talk to family that you hate
Please unce, no politics
Eggnog up my nose
Throw that turkey in the trash
It’s Black Friday bitches