by Andrew Piskai

Dear newly-formed Class of 2013,

As a school with such diversity¹, Penn has always been a beacon for freaks and the odd sorts that no one else wants. I know because I was one of them. As different as we all may seem to be, there is one common thread between us all: we all have received² an admissions letter from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania. This past week a new wave of filth³ has been allowed permission to clog the gutters of West Philadelphia. In the first-ever, fully-electronic reveal of Penn admissions decisions, an E-letter⁴ granted the whims of some and dashed the hopes of many more⁵. In such a whirlwind of activity, many glazed over the well-constructed stock-formatted letter and began the celebration⁶. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to impart some knowledge on you, the fledgling class of 2013, in the hopes that someday, very far down the road you may become a mighty, plump chicken⁷.
Below is what your admissions essay may appear like to you. Underneath that is what the admissions committee is really trying to tell you.

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_{1. Between upper-middle and upper class}

_{2. Or bought}

_{3. That means you, Class of 2013}

_{4. Found on most keyboards between ‘W’ and ‘R’}

_{5. Ok, Ok, dashed SOME hopes.}

_{6. Facebook is “OMGZXZ going to Penn! LOL!”}

_{7. Delicious.}