by Andrew Piskai
To the Punchbowl Proletariat,
Friends, Comrades, Countrymen! Lend me your beers! You are henceforth liberated from the oppressive shackles and fetters of Anheuser-Busch! Never again may you drink that nectar of Satan, even if it fills you up and never lets you down. But lo, compatriots, I urge you, fear not! I advocate not the second eighteenth amendment. Instead, I humbly grovel in your presence, eternally your dedicated and faithful servant, aspiring merely to receive but a pittance of your paramount, preeminent respect. That said, dig this shit, man. Me and my homies were shootin’ the shit the other day when alla sudden we was all like, “Yo man, I totally hate drinkin’ this same kinda beer-jawn e’ery day……..jawn.” So I thunk to myself, y’all prolly do too! Dass why I’mma lay diss shit on y’all. ‘Tween us, I dun gone an’ made a drank-recipe book—justa’ lil suntin’-suntin’ I been doin’ work on. So how’s aboutcha help a brotha’ out ‘n’ try summa deez here recipe-jawns. I ain’t wanna brag or nuttin’ but lemme hollatcha—they’s the good shit man. Jawn.
The Liberal Art
1…. bottle of vodka
1…. bottle of red wine
6…. bottles of beer
1…. bottle of tequila
1…. bottle of whiskey
1…. bottle of bourbon
1…. Ivy League useless degree
Serves: 1-2
The Pennsylvanian
1…. fluid ounce fresh squirrel juice
2…. fluid ounces 18th century architecture
3…. shots of Hemo sauce
1…. hint of 1920 Common’s dish water
Serves: 1
The Pre-frosh
4…. shots of the booster variety
1…. uncomfortable afternoon with your pants down at the doctor’s office
Serves: as Student Health’s immunization requirements
The Double Shot at Love
2…. shots at being famous
2…. failures
1…. dozen lesbians
1…. dozen straight men
Serves: No purpose
Note: Best when mixed liberally in a standard-sized MTV spinoff show
The Jockstrap
2…. small nuts
1…. small wiener
1…. unnecessarily large cup
Serves: 1
The Recipe for Disaster
11… shots of vodka
2…. D.U.F.F.’s
1…. broken condom
Serves: as motivation to quit getting so damn drunk
The Long Shot
1…. beautiful woman
1…. awkward engineer
1…. vodka martini up olives with a twist
Serves: the awkward engineer right
The Converted Long Shot
1…. beautiful woman
1…. awkward engineer
1…. vodka martini up olives with a twist
1…. rufie
Serves: her right
We hold these truths to be self evident: that gone are the days of whiskey sours and heavy petting with your freshman hall-mate. A new dawn, a new era, a new age is upon us! It is an age where around every corner splendid alcoholic concoctions await you, an age where the only limits are those of our imaginations, an age where boobs. Yes, my friends, for when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets, and love will steer the stars. This is the age of Aquarius, the age of Aquarius, Aquarius, Aquarius.
Drink on my weary foot-soldiers. Drink on.
Love always,
A.T. Piskai