by Andrew Piskai

To my dear friend,

I don’t know exactly how to phrase this, but basically all the bro’s and I were hanging out last night and one thing led to another, we got drunk, played some twister, and ended up spooning at Weigle Commons. Don’t worry nothing happened, it just kind of felt right at the time, you know? Have you been in there? It’s sooooo nice. Ahhh, but I digress.

Moral of the story is, we got to talking and came to a very disappointing conclusion. None of us wanted to be the one to break the terrible, terrible news to you, but wouldn’t ya know I ended up losing nose-goes. Technically I didn’t even lose though because Nico cheated and already had his hand up there diggin’ for gold…as usual. That reminds me, we need to propose the Nico-No-Nose clause that we had talked about for the official frat Nose-Goes rules at chapter next week. Ahhh, but I digress again.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you have to do this or anything, but they were the ones who brought this up; I didn’t even have a part in this. I was fighting for you but they were really adamant about it. Really adamant about it. Anyway, we’re not saying you should transfer per se, but we definitely think you should consider the benefits of a Drexel education. I compiled a list of my top ten reasons why it’d be better for you there.

X) People rarely confuse it with Drexel State.

IX) Your hair is longer than most of the papers you write.

VIII) You’re in love with attending Penn parties.

VII) Your fake says you’re a 20 year old organ donor from Massachusetts….a 20 year old organ donor from Massachusetts.

VI) You’re dating a Drexel girl.

V) It’s a lot closer to home.

IV) You lack the certain anatomical features common to most Penn students: mainly the large twig lodged within the anus.

III) When you’re sailing at the Cape with your family you can’t distinguish Roquefort from Camembert.

II) You totally just thought Roquefort and Camembert were types of wine.

I) Seriously, I can’t believe you thought Roquefort and Camembert were wines.

As you can see, coming to Penn was a pretty big blunder on your part, no offense. If you think about it, it’s actually pretty funny when you think of how little you fit in here, again no offense. You definitely must have slipped through a crack in the admissions process, seriously no offense. Anywho, We all took the liberty of submitting your transfer application and all the necessary paperwork. I hope that’s ok. You start tomorrow.

Stop by sometime if you’re ever around Penn,

A.T. Piskai