Guest Friday Column: Raj Gopal’s Inside Scoop

Raj Gopal is a Pulitzer prize winning under-cover reporter. Too modest to tell the story himself, he actually stuffed himself into a Charmander costume to get this story. Unfortunately, the FBI office secretary called animal control, so he missed that interview and was turned down from Rutgers without it. He now writes for us.

Raj Gopal, Animated Press

PALLET TOWN, KANTO- In an FBI raid last week, NFL quarterback Ash Ketchum was revealed to have taken part in a vicious animal-fighting ring the size of which has yet to be determined.

Working off of an anonymous tip, the FBI seized Ketchum’s PC and uncovered several monsters trapped inside, including a battered and aggressive Charizard and upwards of forty Tauroses.

Further investigations and interviews revealed that Ketchum was directly involved in the capture, training, and forced “battling” of hundreds of Pokémon. Ketchum allegedly made enormous amounts of money gambling on these fights, to the tune of $999,999.

Police have taken the boy along with two others into custody. Ketchum gave no comment on the pending indictment against him.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, in reaction to this news, released this statement:

“The NFL does not tolerate animal cruelty of any type or level. Given the heinous nature of the crime and the overwhelming evidence against him, we have placed an indefinite suspension on Ketchum. We will consider the possibility of allowing him back into the league once the legal proceedings have been resolved.”

The up-and-coming star has won the hearts and minds of fans with his exciting playing style and habit of shouting, “I choose you!” to intended receivers. Many worry that this scandal will hurt his chances to ever play in the NFL again, but people from the local community have been supportive of Ketchum.

A rival of Ketchum’s, who chose to remain nameless, said, “Down in these parts, there’s a culture of Poké-fighting. All of us did it. Every Saturday, we’d just get together and battle. That Pikachu of his was somethin’ fierce, but it knew that it wasn’t going to be fed if it didn’t win. Still, it’s not like other people weren’t involved. Is it a coincidence that he’s the only one being targeted? Smell ya later!”

Reaction from animal rights groups has been less sympathetic.

Dan Shannon, spokesperson for PETA, said, “It is absolutely sickening what Ketchum has done to these poor Pokémon. The physical and psychological damage done to his Squirtle alone is both grotesque and inhumane. He has left a barren wasteland of fainted Pokémon in the greater Kanto region, and he deserves to be punished to the full extent of the law.”

Bulbasaur, one of the Pokémon planning to testify at Ketchum’s hearing on the 24th, showed concern and regret in a recent statement. “Bulba bulbasaur…bulba, bulba [bulba] saur. Bulba!”

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