by Andrew Piskai

To my favorite general student body,

Recently, I have gotten a lot of compliments / mocking feedback / action because of my recent Punchbowl columns / recent documentary on deep sea clamming / sexy, toned body. I have done my best to let it inflate my ego / ignore it / keep it up the whole time, though sometimes even I think it’s inflated enough / it makes me wish I was cool and had an afro / it flops around like a wet noodle. Regardless, in this time of economic insecurity / fast cars and video games / celebrity sex tapes, people want nothing more than to laugh / learn about clamming / have a perfect sexual experience. I’m happy to say that I can provide what you want.

However, I wasn’t always perfect. When I was in high school I was less funny than an episode of That 70’s Show / of a director and more of an actor / endowed than the other boys in my gym class. Times were tough. I didn’t know how to make something of myself. Then I found Jesus / a book about mollusks at my local library / myself writhing in the bed of a pickup truck and I have never looked back. It opened up doors / research opportunities / legs that I had never imagined would have been opened for me. People finally wanted to be my comedy / laboratory / sexual partner. It was a dream come / come / cum come true for me.

This is why your laptop computer / scientific honor society / significant other has allowed me to share my message with you. It is an honor to stand before you today and offer you the following advice: you should always do what makes for the funnier story / get your clams from certified distributors / wear a rubber. I wish you the best in all your future endeavors, and I hope one day you will be writing a letter to me. When that day comes, make sure to tell me how inspiring I was for you / ten new interesting clam facts / your favorite position.

It’s yours to get,
A. T. Piskai