Maybe a freshman accidentally cloned some dinosaurs while working in his Bio 121 lab. Maybe that guy who makes XKCD was right all along. Or maybe God is smiting us for allowing Nickelback to keep making music. Really, it’s not important why you’re in a dino-pocalypse. The point is that there are velociraptors all over campus and they’re hungry for tender undergraduate meat. So what can you do? You can go for the Jeff Goldblum strategy of wearing sunglasses and making sarcastic comments while your friends get eliminated one by one, but that generally only works for Jeff Goldblum. For the rest of you, here are some survival tips:

1. When fleeing from a velociraptor, always use an elevator (if you’re living in Harrison, may God have mercy on your soul). Raptors have trouble using Up/Down buttons, and if you get trapped inside, you can re-enact that episode of the Fresh Prince where Will and Carlton get stuck in an elevator. Hilarity will ensue.

2. Work out more than your roommate, or, failing that, feed him extremely fattening foods. Remember: you don’t have to run faster than the velociraptor, just faster than the person you’re with. Encouraging your roommate to finish off that case of Hostess Fruit Pies will ensure your safety.

3. Get ‘em drunk. Velociraptors, like humans, have difficulty functioning if given enough alcohol. Lobbing 10-12 shots of vodka into a raptor’s mouth will have it stumbling toward the nearest bathroom/McDonald’s in no time. Keep in mind that Natty’s are nearly ineffectual; an average velociraptor requires upwards of 20 cans to get tipsy. Under no circumstances should you ever feed a velociraptor Milwaukee’s Best; the taste will only make it angrier. Finally, an octobong is useful if you find yourself cornered by 8 or more velociraptors, though persuading them to drink may prove difficult.

4. While running away from campus, do not go past 45th street. West Philly is still more dangerous than a pack of velociraptors.

Leave a Reply