7 Reasons Why I Think Amy Guttmann NEEDS and DESERVES Her 40% Salary Increase She Gave Herself This Summer

1. Those Designing Women era matching pants suits dont grow on trees, girl. Furthermore, tailoring said normal sized clothing to pole-sized dimensions requires the delicate skill of many immigrants. Amy must look more fly than archenemy black Brown University president Ruth Simmons– whose always outdoing her by being cutting edge, urban, black.

2. High cost of not living in her mansion, cost of staffing said mansion with TQWPNs (Top Quality West Philadelphia Natives), subsequent employment cost of WWWWPNs (White Women Watching West Philadelphia Natives). Cost of vanity chef, vanity meals, real hyperbaric chamber.

3. Giving an endowed scholarship to exactly 1 student, subsequent tiresome emotional investment in said “disappointing communications major” to be repaid by salary increase.

4. Throwing that most awesomez Supa Sweet 60 rager (that starfucker Judith Rodin- not invited) that will def make those other lamesorz ivy league biddy presidents totes jealouse!z!! I’m okay with her siphoning my financial aid package so that R-Pattz will deliver the invites in a gold escalade dressed as Gore Vidal. Suck off, Shirley Tilghman- you’re not her VIP girl!

5. Putting a patent on that “authoritative yet sensual” arms-on-arms pose. (Back off, Mr. T, it was her’s first!). And also, fuck you B.A. Barracus.

6. Bookstore found out she was selling her boring-ass democracy textbooks by putting Twilight jackets on them. Sales plummet. Teens angered, yet learned.

7. Keeping Mr. Guttman objectified.

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