Choose Your Own Adventure: The Girlfriend Steal


Saturday night at your Frat, you just met this great girl at a party and you’re hitting all the right notes. Good jokes, fluid conversation, and you just talked your way around the fact that you have no idea what the Phillies are (horse racers perhaps?). Then she says it: “Oh my god, you have to meet my boyfriend, you two would be such good friends.” This is obviously completely false, but calling her dumb would probably hurt your chances.

What do you do?:

If you decide that this is your hour and you will take what you want by force if necessary go to section 2

If you decide to passively accept that you have no shot, go to section 3

*****Section 2*****

She leads you over to her boyfriend, a slight sophomore with an indie hipster look to him. They start taking about some band you have never heard of, but probably sucks anyway.

If you politely inform him that he is being deprived of his girlfriend and that he can go cry about it go to section 4

If you hold off acting to monitor the situation go to section 5

*****Section 3*****

Dude, you’re kind of a puss. Really, like, grow a pair man. Also, this is choose your own ADVENTURE, not choose your own way to wind up alone watching Deep Space 9. No wonder you haven’t gotten laid in weeks.

*****Section 4*****

The indie hipster poses no threat to you. Unfortunately, his 5 friends visiting from West Point are slightly more problematic. Continue the fun in Choose Your Own Adventure: Triage Ward.

*****Section 5*****

You hold off from direct action, knowing that information is the warrior’s deadliest weapon. You quickly realize that the boyfriend has several friends, all larger than you nearby. Behind them is a keg surrounded by the finest bros Zeta Alpha Tau has to offer. But just then, hipster douche sets his drink down.

If you decide to defeat your enemy with the power of bro go to section 6

If you decide to let Captain Morgan handle your enemy go to section 7

*****Section 6*****

Quietly, you slip over to the ZATs crowd and whisper “Yo, that dude just called you gay.” The bro horn sounds and the popped collar hoard descends upon the hipster and his allies; a brutal melee erupts. Sitting on the stereo above the fray you see your lady fair cowering behind a couch.

If you abandon her to join in the final assault go to section 8

If you put love above Frat (ahh so weak bro) go to section 9

*****Section 7*****

His drink was previously a mix of vodka and orange juice. Now it is all of that and more, specifically a man killing, whiskey dick inducing, terrifyingly large amount of grain alcohol. Quickly, your foe is reduced to a quivering wreak; he begins to stumble towards the door, leaving his drink behind.

If you try a bit of his drink to see how bad it was go to section 10

If you continue on triumphantly to his girlfriend go to section 11

*****Section 8*****

You know that this is your only chance for her, but a true bro never yields to hos. You dive into the fight and finally, the hipster menace is defeated, his friends thrown from the house accompanied by remarks casting aspersions on their character and questions regarding their sexual preferences. You may not have gotten the girl, but you punched a hipster in the face and that, friends, is better than sex.

*****Section 9*****

Grabbing a hold of the thong still stuck to the fan from last week’s party you swing across the brawl, landing dramatically in front of her. Her heart melts and you whisk her outside where you learn she is a devout Christian and plans to remain abstinent until marriage. Your attention wanders to those three Tri-Delts who just walked in…

*****Section 10*****

Oh my god. You can see forever. Your mind swirls with the cosmic knowledge of the ancient ones, its all so simple and wait…wait where are the colors going?!?!? No!! COME BACK, I LOVE YOU!!!

You wake up next morning with a hangover that could kill a triceratops. You might have gotten with the girl, but can’t remember it if you did. The only thing that’s certain, according to your bros, is that you ate the frat’s dog.

*****Section 11*****

She is understandably upset that her boyfriend stumbled away drunk, and you play it perfectly. She is indeed the girl of your dreams, and from that one night of deception you build a beautiful relationship. But it’s all tainted you see, because it is built on a foundation of lies and deception. Slowly, the treachery grows and consumes you until you speak only in lies and deal only in slander, welcome to a happy and fulfilling life as a lobbyist for big oil.

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